The Apology Email

I received an apology email from my abuser. My father sent me an email apologising for my childhood. For what he did to me.

When I was younger I always dreamed of receiving an apology from him. I thought it would heal me. I thought I would have a father again. I ached for that apology. But when I got the email I was at a point in my life where I had moved on from him and everything he did. I was okay with everything he allowed my step-mother do to me. I no longer needed anything from him.

I remember seeing his name in my inbox and being too scared to read the email. I had my Husband do it for me and I waited… I waited for my stomach to drop. I waited to burst into tears. I waited to feel relief. But I didn’t feel anything.

For a few days I tossed up not even replying but that felt rude. I felt like it was polite to say something just as I would to a stranger who asks how I am. So I replied with a thank you. And that was that.

I always imagined that I’d get an apology and it’d be earth shattering and life changing. It wasn’t. Because I’d healed myself. Because I don’t need anything from anyone to be happy or to feel fulfilled.

And that’s just it, there are going to be people in your life who apologise and apologise properly. There will be people who never apologise because they don’t think they did anything wrong. There will be people who try and get in contact with you through other people, who claim they don’t know your phone number even though it hasn’t changed. And there will be people who wait decades to apologise, people you didn’t think were capable of seeing what they did was wrong. But, really, you don’t need any of them to heal yourself. You just need you and the courage to go it alone.