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  • Writer's pictureJaye Gaff

The ache

I randomly found this post in my drafts folder and have decided to publish it. I may not always feel this way but, sometimes, it’s a nice reminder. To know I’ve overcome. I’m capable. And you are too.

Today I feel overwhelmed by the ache. You know the one? When your depression has swallowed you whole and your whole body hurts, throbs from the pain, but also feels numb as if body parts floated away in the night.

What do you do when the ache overwhelms you? When you have life to attend to. Hair to wash. A child to love. Here’s what I’ve done today:

  1. Allowed myself 10 minutes to ponder the why of it all. Today, there is no why. It just is what it is so, now, I am not allowed to think more on it. It just is what it is.

  2. I can not wash my hair today. For the third day in a row my hair sits unwashed, resembling a birds nest with each passing minute. That needs to be okay for now.

  3. I don’t want to shower but I need to shower. My Husband has to undress me and turn the shower on.

  4. I can not handle my to do list today. The Husband has to run the errands I usually take control of.

  5. I picked up 4 items of dirty clothes off the floor. Picked some rubbish up that can’t get vaccumed.

  6. I washed my face, added serum, eye cream, and moisturiser. There is no pleasure in this but it is done.

  7. I brushed my teeth.

I feel the ache in every part of me. Taking my regular daily vitamin feels like too much work. Telling my Husband I need him to get the vitamin is still too much effort. I kick at its location until he gets the message. Another item crossed off my daily to do list, an item that usually gets done without any thought.

I want to get out of the house but I can’t. I want to be my usual dancing around self. I want to feel an ounce of happiness or pleasure. I feel empty inside.

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