• Jaye Gaff

Shit I can’t do


I am pretty self-sufficient in the sense that I can do things for myself. I just refuse to. I’ve decided life is hard enough as it is and water doesn’t taste as good when you have to fetch it yourself. And as I was trying to vacuum up a huge leaf it occurred to me that I have babied myself to the point of learned helplessness. I feel as though I am that kind of female that people say is an insult to feminism everywhere which I kind-of agree with and also don’t care enough about to change.


I’ve become this annoying delusional person who honestly deep down believes in their bones that they are adorable and all these helpless things I do just make me even more adorable. Here’s some things:


  1. I do not empty the vacuum cleaner. I do not know how to empty our vacuum cleaner.

  2. I don’t know how to clean out the dishwasher. The entire idea of having to clean something that cleans a dish seems ridiculously needy to me so I refuse to do it and, no, I will not learn.

  3. I don’t know how to change a lightbulb. I also don’t know how you’re supposed to know which bulb you’re supposed to buy. Just stay in the hole and turn on when it’s on time. Is that so hard?

  4. I don’t mow lawns or trim edges. Why would I cut things? I’m not a trained nature hairdresser.

  5. I have never emptied our $700 rubbish bin. I don’t touch bins. I do not take the outside bins out or in. I do, however, know how to spend ludicrous amounts of money on ridiculous things. I also give them names. So there’s that.

  6. I do not pre-boil water or pre-heat ovens. I feel like it’s unnecessary foreplay and the entire purpose of the food I buy is for it to get eaten so I shouldn’t have to lubricate it. Pre-heating an oven feels like the oven is just out to get me. It’s one job is to cook my food. It does not need a treat to do it’s job well. I refuse to perform oral sex on an oven.

  7. I do not set a timer for food. I forget food is in the oven and hope it all turns out fine.

  8. I have forgotten how to cook. This is not a joke. This is not a drill. I can slow cook. I can prep. I can buy the ingredients. I do not cook and I do not clean the kitchen.

  9. I don’t make my own coffee. Or my own food. Or any drinks. Eating is rarely enjoyable for me so if I had the choice I would never eat. Preparing food and drinks sucks the joy out of life and I have simply decided that I will no longer be doing it.

  10. I do not know how to iron. It feels like a lot of work and the wrinkles never come out and why should I put that much effort into something?

  11. I do not sew. That’s what a Husband is for.

Once I got comfortable with the Husband and, mostly, after I started working full time I came to the decision that doing stuff for myself is too hard. I hover between loving being helpless and hoping like hell my Husband doesn’t die first so I never have to make my own coffee.


I guess now may {should?} be the point where I defend my Veruca Salt actions and tell you all the things I do do but… I don’t want to. I don’t care what anyone else thinks about my life and my relationship. Don’t like it? Don’t be me.


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