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  • Jaye Gaff

Motherhood | Hard Parts


I once wrote, somewhat jokingly but also very seriously, that the hardest part of parenting was finding a good place to plug your vibrators into. I have since purchased a bed that has a bedhead that hides cords so that solves that problem. I also saw that some shops sells locked toy boxes. So there’s that. That’s no longer the hardest part.


Missing morning sex. That’s a hard one.


Finding time for sex during school holidays.


Finding time for sex when you suffer from chronic pain and you’re always heavily medicated and it feels…rapey.


But those, those aren’t the hardest parts. Lately, I’ve found prioritising your health through important moments to be the most painful. The biggest struggle. I’ve gotten used to never being able to do much, to always be resting, to plaster a painful smile and get on with it. But there are some things you just have to say no to and that’s hard for me because I don’t do that with B all that often.


I have another surgery coming up. Another surgery means another clear Covid test which means there are going to be some situations, in the lead up to the day, that I have to say no to. One of those no’s belong to an end of year six thing for B. Another because I’m recovering from surgery. 2 things out of 11.5 (almost) years doesn’t seem so bad, right?


Of course, I’ll continue to beat myself about it. Call myself crazy for avoiding crowds and people. Say a good mum would never. Try and cancel my surgery.


As much as we want to be, as good as we are, there are going to be times when we miss the big stuff. Is there a way to stop that or is that just a part of life?


Am I beating myself up over nonsense or is this an unmissable event? Will she ever forgive me? Or will she, if this surgery actually fixes things, be grateful her mum isn’t always in bed? Am I doing the right thing for future B? Will she remember this and know how to model herself as a parent - mostly selfless but her health comes first?


As I write this, I’m actually beginning to ponder — is missing the big stuff the hardest part or is it actually the shit our minds put us through?


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