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  • Writer's pictureJaye Gaff

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Burn His House Down...

A few weeks ago I tried to play matchmaker which is a big step for me because usually I don't care about people and their relationships. I was convinced that this guy I knew would be the perfect fit for my best friend. I'm not sure why. I just did. I had spent months -- or maybe years -- imagining their wedding. They both love dogs. They're both cute. Perfect match.

I figured this guy and I were friends which was, clearly, my first mistake. I don't know what we were but I obviously held our relationship in higher esteem than he did. His responses were lacklustre, cagey, and annoying. His level of excitement certainly didn't match mine (maybe that was my second mistake), in fact, he wasn't excited at all. But I persevered.

I asked my list of screening questions -- do you give oral or do you only expect to receive? Do you care if the person you're with earns more than you? Do you kiss with tongue? Do you like anal? Would you date someone who has been married? Who has kids? Who has the greatest best friend -- so the best taste -- in the whole world? You know, only the really important ones.

And then comes the moment you feel comfortable to share a photo and a name and... crickets. How annoying.

Here's the thing -- because my friend and my Husband think this particular guy has a crush on me -- I truly believe if someone is your friend, or if you have a crush, or you like them in any capacity you text them. You let them know you think of them. That you're friends. That they're in your life and their very presence makes them smile. And you certainly don't treat them badly especially when they're excited.

And he's incapable of doing that. With me at least. So we're not friends. And he's certainly not interested in being set up with the best person in the world or answering perfectly normal sex questions. But when I see him in person he's funny and we have that touchy feely relationship that I like in my friends. But via text (or, rather, Facebook Messenger because I don't actually have his phone number) he's different and that annoys me.

I have taken it upon myself to find the perfect guy for my best friend because she deserves it and, well, I trust my taste more than hers. They have to believe in monogamy and they can't go for the Sydney Swans or Carlton or Collingwood or Port Adelaide. They have to want a relationship and fidelity even when it's hard. They have to treasure her as much (but never more) than I treasure her.

And, for some reason, I thought this guy would be it. And they would fall in love. And they'd get married and he'd treasure her for everything she is (the good and the bad) because that's what she deserves. And, I felt, he deserved that too.

I'm not sure what the moral/lesson of this story is... don't presume someone thinks of you as a friend? Don't set up people? Don't talk about sex? Whatever it is... I'm not pleased at having to have learned it. In fact, I'm hurt. My pride is wounded and I feel utterly devastated that my dream match is rubbish. And, sure, I can say all those things you're supposed to say -- he doesn't deserve her, he's not your friend, never speak to him again... and, maybe, soon I'll be able to but for right now I'm dejected and blue and I want to kick him in the shins.

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