I have a confession

When people started complaining that petrol was $2 a litre I rolled my eyes. Because I honestly believed you could just put $10 in your car and be fine for a few weeks (and, yes, I know $10 is still a lot to people). My Husband asked me later what I thought he was doing when he filled up for $100+ and my answer was "I just thought you were being dramatic." But, turns out, he wasn't being dramatic. You're actually supposed to fill the tank up.

I blame my parents. I spent the majority of my life re-parenting myself and undoing a lifetime of trauma. I didn't have anyone to teach me nor time to learn about petrol prices and tanks or wherever the petrol lives in your car (should I learn that too?).

I work for a not-for-profit. I join groups and Anti-Poverty Networks for work and in my personal life. I volunteer. I care deeply about the world and, yet, I lack in so many areas it's, quite frankly, embarrassing.

When people are raging that a lettuce costs $10 I don't even think about it. You need lettuce? Buy the lettuce. I do not actually know how much milk costs... and we drink 2 different kinds of milk in this house, so, give me a sec...

1L of my milk costs $4.50. 2L of my Husband's milk costs $3.40. Is that good or bad? I've got no idea. I don't really think twice (I don't even really look at prices) I just add to cart. Of course, I subtract based on how much chocolate I added in a vulnerable state and, sometimes, our budget doesn't stretch as far and I remove. But we always have what we need and then some.

We spend $8 on one punnet of berries. And I think $8 is ridiculous but also I buy it because my child needs fresh fruit.

There was a point in my life where we couldn't pay rent. We couldn't register our car. We couldn't pay for fuel. We couldn't afford fresh fruit. And then we got more money, had savings, and then we blew it. Trauma does that to you. We got in extreme debt. And then we got out of it. And life, money-wise, has been pretty breezy ever since and I, apparently, have turned into Lucille Bluth who thinks a banana costs $10 and if it did would still buy it anyway. But not a banana because bananas are gross.

People have always considered me a snob. And I see that. I have very snobby tendencies. I am very rarely mortified by my shortcomings but here I definitely am. Some of the things that come out of my mouth are nausea inducing. Things like:

But they're only Coach shoes, that's not even a proper designer! - said in confusion over why people kept complimenting me on my designer shoes. And, honestly, some horror that somebody might think I think Coach is on the same level as Chanel.

But the boots are only $1,800. That's not even that expensive.

Ooh, this dress is only $450. That's sooo good.

What the fuck have I turned into? I am not rich. I will never be rich. Unless my Husband invents something really cool and then I'm totally buying a farm and adopting all the surrendered animals and giving them a loving home. I have bills. I have a budget. What has happened to me?