I recently had a meltdown, or epiphany, or both, at work where I realised *all* I had done that day was search for articles and social media inspiration. And I, kind of, really, truly, deeply, felt quite utterly useless. And I hate that feeling.
I attempted to move past it with music and I listened to that "things can only get better" song and tried to dance hump my Husband who was late for a meeting and then the song finished and the euphoria wore off and, so, I curled under my desk and listened to "everybody hurts" (REM version) on repeat until my Husband yelled at me to get out.
While I was down there I wondered why we (I) torture ourselves when things are slow or we feel a bit useless. As if our entire lives, every damn second, are supposed to be filled with life changing endeavours that cure world hunger and make poverty extinct. Why do we have to be meaningful every damn second? Why can't we be a bit shit every now and again?
The other thing is -- I wasn't even being shit and, usually, these media-heavy, social media trawling days, where inspiration strikes from every upturned corner, are my favourite work days. Those days where I am alone to do a large basis of my job. To be creative.
On this particular day it all felt a bit meaningless. Sure, some of it had to do with the pinched nerve in my foot and some of it had to with my body begging for opioids because it's addicted to them. There were other factors but... none of that mattered in the moment where it felt my entire life was built on a mountain of nonsense. I blame Barnaby Joyce for it, in part. The rest of the blame, if we have to assign blame at all, is all on me because, that day, I was entirely prone to falling into random REM hysterics for no real reason at all.
I guess, it's nice to know that everyone is prone to shitty days but, when you look at me, I don't think anyone sees me as being put together. Ever. I usually embrace being a bit of a trash bag human being but some days I fall. Some days, I guess, you have to crawl into a cave and listen to a song designed to drag you deeper down.