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  • Writer's pictureJaye Gaff

Being a Woman | I'm Still Scared

If you had of asked me a few months ago, how I would react to being harassed or touched, in my 30s I would have told you I wouldn't stand for it. I would stand up and fight. I would report, block, say no. I would fight back.

Now, today, I know better. I have a different answer and that answer is... I don't do or say anything.

For my child and for others I say a lot.

For me I say nothing.

Still, after everything, I say nothing.

I can't block the men who message me on Instagram.

I'm scared.

I don't respond to them and that scares me too.

A man touches me when I'm out somewhere for work. I don't want to be touched. I don't like it.

I let it happen.

I'm scared to tell my Husband my fears because saying it out loud brings weight to the issue and I don't want it out there in the universe. I want to pretend I'm cool as if coolness means allowing yourself to be touched without any say in how or where or by who.

I had convinced myself, lied to myself, that I would never allow someone to touch me without fighting back. That I was stronger and braver.

I am none of those things. I have tried being mad at myself, mortified that I am raising a daughter and I am still so fucking meek. I'm not though. I'm not mad or mortified. I feel content and safe, wrapped up in this blanket. Willing to fight for everyone but myself.

I fought for too long to free myself from what my parents and my sister did to me. Fought to rise to the surface after what happened at work. I'm tired of fighting.

Can you give up fighting for yourself and still be a whole person?

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