12/23/2017

j rants|home alone

Every December I watch Home Alone 1 & 2 and I've always felt like that family was really quite fucked. But this year is different. I'm actually really quite mad. It's never going to be in the same vein as The Parent Trap where I physically can't watch that idiotic piece of trash but, still, it's pretty bloody bad. I need to break it down in numbered points:

1. The McCallister parents are absolutely horrendous. They do not deserve children. They favour the douchebag Buzz over Kevin. Buzz needs to have his head chopped off. That's it. Do it already. Kevin is the best and I need them to recognise.

2. Uncle Frank needs to be told to fuck off. If we're supposed to support our families no matter what then they need to not verbally abuse your children. It's that simple. But I have a theory -- Kevin's dad is clearly rich and the uncle in Paris from the first movie is obviously better than Frank. So, Frank is the poor one and, obviously, an absolute failure of a human being. Because of this he takes it out on his family. But if Frank is such a miserable sod he needs to do everyone a favour and leave.

3. The mum. Do not get me started on the mum. Of course, the dad is a stereotypical father but the mum. I can't. For starters -- if I had forgotten my kid over the holidays last year I would be spending the next holidays at home just to fucking recuperate a bit. But, sure, go to fucking Florida you douche. I'm glad it rained when you got there. You deserve rain and a miserable holiday for the rest of your life. You deserve misery. And Kevin needs to spend his life with that bird lady in New York because she has more maternal instincts in her bird poop.

4. Where does the family even get all their money from? Where? I've read that Peter McCallister is in the mob and I like that. How else does Kevin just know how to go all Chuck Norris on people? Also, to be honest, I have no idea what Chuck Norris actually did but I'm sticking with it.

5. Why, despite the second movie completely being fine with the robbers trying to kill Kevin, am I so obsessed with these films?

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