9/05/2017

marriage & mental health

When Husband and I were first dating I was constantly told that I shouldn't be with him. That he wasn't good enough for me. I feel grateful every day that I never listened to those people but I never considered that there'd be a day where that changed. Where I wasn't good enough for him. Or, at least, that's what my head tells me. A constant, debilitating, fear that he deserves better. And it's not my self esteem telling me this {because I know that's ridiculous} it's my head, my anxiety. A never-ending fear that I am not worthy of him. Or, worthy of anything really.

I remember before Husband and I got married, before we had names for all the things wrong with me, I told him he could leave, that he didn't have to marry me, and I wouldn't blame him for it. I wanted, so badly, for him to have better than me. I wanted, and still want, so badly for his life to not be tainted with the stain of me. I remember when I used to have screaming breakdowns over dirt on a kitchen bench or a sticker on a floor and I told him to leave me. I remember when the doctors rattled off the ridiculously long list -- generalised anxiety, depression, ptsd, social anixety, ocd -- and I told him to leave me.

He never has. But I keep pushing in the hopes that, one day, everyone will leave me and I can truly be as worthless as I feel.

Husband and I have a wonderful marriage. We've been through a lot. He's tried to protect me in areas he shouldn't have, where lies spanned years. I've tried to push him into no longer loving me because why not? But we've always been best friends, always managed to find laughter when things were really going to shit, always been the definition of family we always wanted. 

I love this man. But I am scared to tell him. I show him but I never tell him. And I know that must hurt.

I need a lot of help. He claims he does too but it's never at the level I do and I hate myself for that.

I have trouble sleeping. I need a lot of naps. I'm always tired. I need to be reminded to take my medication daily. I sob in his arms that I just want to be normal. I want it all to stop. I'm sick of fighting. I scare him. He's had to stop me pressing scissors into my flesh. He's had to drag me out of icy showers. He's had to listen to me detail every wishful, lustful, dream of death. He's sat up at night with me when I've been truly terrified of horrors that are never going to come to pass.

This isn't what I wanted our marriage to be. I never dreamed of this. I never wanted this.

I may have stupid marriage advice here and there -- take faux-sick days to spend hours cuddled up in bed together, watch porn and have sex often, laugh together, tease each other, make each other tea. All that jazz. But, really, truly, if your partner has anxiety/depression/anything else there's only one thing I can say --

Communicate with them. Be there for them. Be honest with them. Be understanding. And know that sometimes you might get a call at work because they're having a panic attack over something that seems terribly inane. You both need to be there for each other. You have to understand that sometimes the person with anxiety is going to snap and it's going to hurt. But you, the one with anxiety, need to understand that sometimes they're not going to react with your head in mind and that needs to be ok too. 

Because, sometimes, my head and what it screams at me to do does cause arguments and that has to be ok. It just has to be. Because what else is there? Because my Husband, despite living with me and loving me, still has no fucking idea about what it's really like. He tries but he'll never feel it all. And that's ok. Because he slowly runs his fingers through my hair when I'm having trouble sleeping or while I'm deep in an anxiety or panic attack. Because he stays home with me when my entire body feels numb and I can't smile or cry. Because he reminds me I'm not crazy. Because he made me a poster of all the reasons I'm loved. Because he doesn't want me to lose the battle with my head and leave it all behind. Because he loves me even if a heck of a lot comes with it.

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