the conditioner realisation

I have recently come to the smartest conclusion in the entire world. I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to beat this. Ok, here it is --

You know how they always have small bottles of shampoo and conditioner and then only a big bottle of conditioner? Not all companies do this but many do. And for so long I could never understand why and I refused to buy the small bottle of shampoo and big bottle of conditioner because they weren't equal and that messes with my head. I like to have my things lined up perfectly and I just couldn't cope. It also just made no sense whatsoever because... why?

And then it hit me.... conditioner always runs out before shampoo so, of course, buying a small bottle of the latter and big one of the former makes perfect sense. I don't know why I never noticed it before. I don't want to think that I'm really dumb but...

So, has everybody been doing this the entire time? Or have I really, truly, discovered the perfect way to stop everyone shouting at the never ending bottle of shampoo in the shower?


being mum|sharing & b.

I've always approached parenting in a completely honest way. Always sharing everything with B. and never lying to her. Even in times where I knew it could hurt her because that's just who I am. I've always thought that we're raising B. to be an adult and have never really enjoyed treating her like a kid. I like to expect the same of her as I would of any adult with some exceptions, of course.

I've never really seen the point in sugar coating things. When she asked me what sex was I told her {and, yes, I found myself, despite my best intentions and, really, mostly, believing in the contrary that it happens when two consenting "love each other very much"}. When she asked why we don't see my parents I told her that I didn't love them and they weren't parents I wanted. We've discussed child birth and when she asks why I'm crying I tell her. 

Of course, I omit details. I've never told her I have anxiety or depression and always write off these "episodes" as a headache or feeling sick. I don't think she's old enough for that. I've told her why we can no longer see certain people anymore. I've held her while she cried about the loss of someone, still around but unable to be visited, talked to or, really, talked about. She and I discuss a lot.

But, lately, I worry that I'm too quick to be open with her. That maybe I don't sugar coat enough. Recently, Husband received some health news that may mean he has to have surgery and we didn't even think twice about discussing it around her. It wasn't until she became frightened and talked about losing him that it hit me -- maybe we shouldn't have shared that with her. Or maybe we should have, maybe it was the right thing to do, and she'll become even more resilient for it? But does a six year old need that much resilience? Shouldn't she be shielded just a bit longer?

Does she really need to know everything? Do we, as her parents, really have to be that honest? Can't she hold onto a sugary childhood just a little bit longer? 


friday five|i need these

I don't know what's going on with me but, lately, my two favourite things -- reading & writing -- have given me anything but joy. I've also lost my taste for shopping. I just... I don't know. No idea. I'm kind of lost but I'm feeling slightly more like my materialistic self because these five things have made me all lust-y again --

Wizard of Oz Nightie|Peter Alexander -- I'll be the first to admit that I despise the Wizard of Oz, and anything relating to it, but I still need this nightie.

Minnie Mouse Bow Studs|Couture Kingdom -- I'm still extremely partial to an adorable bow stud.

Harry Potter Wizard Gown|Peter Alexander -- so Peter Alexander has come out with more HP pyjamas. I've been wishing for this day since I missed out last time but the range is largely meh {for women -- the men & kid ranges are adorable} aside from this gown. I feel like it'll help ease the pain of the slow realisation that, maybe, Hogwarts isn't real...?

Wizard of Oz Ruby Slippers|Peter Alexander -- I know, I have such a one track mind. Peter Alexander all the time which I'm sure is hideously boring but I can't help it. I need these. They also have a matching kids pair which, surely, means B. needs a pair too?

Volupte Tint-In-Oil|Mecca -- I've heard wonderful things about these lip oils. My pick is their cherry selection.


jayebyday x tobi

I was thrilled to hear from Tobi recently -- an online clothing retailer that features a wide range of clothing & accessories -- mostly because I'd never heard of them before and it's always nice to discover new shops. I also adore the opportunity to get an idea of the quality of the items before adding the store to my online shop roster. Luckily, Tobi ticks all the boxes -- great range, great basics, great prices & great quality. That pretty much sells it for me.

I was sent three gorgeous picks:

Star Girl Gold Cuff Bracelet -- adjustable with the most divine sparkly stars on either side.
Ruthie Floral Print Wrap Skirt -- gorgeous wrap skirt with a soft fabric that {surprisingly} isn't ridiculously see through. It is a tad short in the slit but I adore it all the same.
Karin Wrap Blouse -- my favourite of the lot. For someone who adores wrap clothing items as much as I do it seems slightly strange that I've never had a wrap top before. 

Since I'm a major fan of wearing delicate items with scuffed Chucks I love pairing all three Tobi goodies with my white pair. I'd finish the look off with my Sophia bag and a pink pair of Quay Australia sunglasses. I've paired the wrap top with a lace trimmed nude cami but I think it'd look just as good with a pop of colour underneath. 


Disclaimer: I was sent these products from Tobi, however, I was not paid for my review. All opinions are my own. 


marriage & mental health

When Husband and I were first dating I was constantly told that I shouldn't be with him. That he wasn't good enough for me. I feel grateful every day that I never listened to those people but I never considered that there'd be a day where that changed. Where I wasn't good enough for him. Or, at least, that's what my head tells me. A constant, debilitating, fear that he deserves better. And it's not my self esteem telling me this {because I know that's ridiculous} it's my head, my anxiety. A never-ending fear that I am not worthy of him. Or, worthy of anything really.

I remember before Husband and I got married, before we had names for all the things wrong with me, I told him he could leave, that he didn't have to marry me, and I wouldn't blame him for it. I wanted, so badly, for him to have better than me. I wanted, and still want, so badly for his life to not be tainted with the stain of me. I remember when I used to have screaming breakdowns over dirt on a kitchen bench or a sticker on a floor and I told him to leave me. I remember when the doctors rattled off the ridiculously long list -- generalised anxiety, depression, ptsd, social anixety, ocd -- and I told him to leave me.

He never has. But I keep pushing in the hopes that, one day, everyone will leave me and I can truly be as worthless as I feel.

Husband and I have a wonderful marriage. We've been through a lot. He's tried to protect me in areas he shouldn't have, where lies spanned years. I've tried to push him into no longer loving me because why not? But we've always been best friends, always managed to find laughter when things were really going to shit, always been the definition of family we always wanted. 

I love this man. But I am scared to tell him. I show him but I never tell him. And I know that must hurt.

I need a lot of help. He claims he does too but it's never at the level I do and I hate myself for that.

I have trouble sleeping. I need a lot of naps. I'm always tired. I need to be reminded to take my medication daily. I sob in his arms that I just want to be normal. I want it all to stop. I'm sick of fighting. I scare him. He's had to stop me pressing scissors into my flesh. He's had to drag me out of icy showers. He's had to listen to me detail every wishful, lustful, dream of death. He's sat up at night with me when I've been truly terrified of horrors that are never going to come to pass.

This isn't what I wanted our marriage to be. I never dreamed of this. I never wanted this.

I may have stupid marriage advice here and there -- take faux-sick days to spend hours cuddled up in bed together, watch porn and have sex often, laugh together, tease each other, make each other tea. All that jazz. But, really, truly, if your partner has anxiety/depression/anything else there's only one thing I can say --

Communicate with them. Be there for them. Be honest with them. Be understanding. And know that sometimes you might get a call at work because they're having a panic attack over something that seems terribly inane. You both need to be there for each other. You have to understand that sometimes the person with anxiety is going to snap and it's going to hurt. But you, the one with anxiety, need to understand that sometimes they're not going to react with your head in mind and that needs to be ok too. 

Because, sometimes, my head and what it screams at me to do does cause arguments and that has to be ok. It just has to be. Because what else is there? Because my Husband, despite living with me and loving me, still has no fucking idea about what it's really like. He tries but he'll never feel it all. And that's ok. Because he slowly runs his fingers through my hair when I'm having trouble sleeping or while I'm deep in an anxiety or panic attack. Because he stays home with me when my entire body feels numb and I can't smile or cry. Because he reminds me I'm not crazy. Because he made me a poster of all the reasons I'm loved. Because he doesn't want me to lose the battle with my head and leave it all behind. Because he loves me even if a heck of a lot comes with it.