7/24/2017

mental health|the kill yourself migraine

So often I've heard and been told that when your depression and anxiety gets really bad you should get up, get out, do something. Yet, the more I force myself to be somebody I'm not the more my head screams for me to just end the suffering. I find that doing the exact opposite of all the advice is what's best but it's something I easily forget. So, as soon as I start to feel empty, like nothing, I start to force myself to get up and get out there even though it's the exact opposite of what I need.

This happens all too often. I try and force myself to be happy because I should be happy. Because there's no reason to be sad. I still struggle with my head. So I get out and get worse. Being out has never made me better. And by the time I get home my head is pounding and I know I need a shower, pyjamas and sleep. Still... I try to keep going, try to be a good mum, and not give into my head. And then, eventually, the migraine pounds to the point of nausea and I start to sob uncontrollably and dig my fingers into my forehead to try and push the pain away.

I cry to Husband that I'm never going to be better. That my head is telling me to end it already. That the good parts don't make the suffering worth it. Why can't I die already? 

It's about this point that I realise that pushing myself has made my depression worse. That I didn't have to have a reason to be depressed this morning. That I just was. And I need to learn to live with that. So I shower, get into pyjamas and crawl into bed. I sleep until a pushed back dinner time and I feel better. Much. My head isn't pounding and it doesn't scream at me to die. 

I can eat dinner with my family and I can smile because I feel happy. I can snuggle up with Husband and watch a movie well into the night and I don't have to force anything.

That migraine is the some of the worst pain I have ever experienced. Emotionally and physically. It hurts. The pain of being told by my own head to die hurts.

I need to remember to recognise the early signs of it. To stay in bed if I need it. To not worry what people will think of me. To not listen to the theory that staying in your pyjamas and in bed all day will make it worse. Because, it doesn't. Not for me.   

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