4/12/2017

mental health//on loneliness

I think one of the hardest parts, for me, of having anxiety and depression is the constant feeling of loneliness. I'm not sure the continual, daily, empty void is something I'll ever get used to. Especially when, for the most part, I am surrounded by such wonderful people. I can't even begin to describe the hatred I feel toward myself when I feel lonely, empty, when I am with my daughter. I feel love toward her, sure, but I also feel a haunting emptiness. And it hurts.

Bailey is the best thing in my life and I can't be better for her. I can try. But I can't be magically cured and for the majority of the time I spend with her, or with anybody really, I feel empty and all alone in this world.

It's a struggle -- my head needs alone time but hates it. My head needs company but hates being around people. And, always, no matter what, no matter who I am with I feel that constant gnawing inside of being alone. Mental illness is alienating and even though I am surrounded by people who "get it" I still feel lonely, as if, I am still unloved and misunderstood. As if nobody will ever get me. As if I don't deserve happiness.

Lately, loneliness has been following me everywhere. I liked to think that I'd gotten used to always feeling empty but lately the emptiness has gotten harder to cope with. I feel as if I am drowning under the weight of being just another nothing.

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