being mum|on sleepy memories

As a parent, I've tried to have some hard rules around bedtime. Tuck in, book, songs, bed, bye. It doesn't always work but it was, for the most part, a routine in our house. But it's always a routine I felt off about because B. will be six soon and then, in a little while, she won't request sleepy snuggles at all and we'd have missed out. So I've relaxed on the last part of that rule and now we frequently partake in sleepy snuggles {Husband too} and it's fun.

B. doesn't take that long, usually, to fall asleep. In five minutes she's out and nothing could wake her. I like to enjoy those first few minutes, watching her eyes droop and her breathing steady. I watch for the adorable lip smacking thing that Husband says I do too. And I take in her ridiculously long lashes and little pout. And then, when she's really asleep, sometimes I get up and go do what needs to be done but, lately, I've been rather enjoying staying longer than what's needed because moments like these are what make my day. These are the moments that feel truly special. It's in these moments that I feel worthy, loved and important.

I used to hate bedtime because my anxiety would get the best of me. Because letting B. sleep in her own bed and leaving her room, to me, was letting her go and I wasn't sure I could handle that. Now, bedtime has become a savoured experience and I let everything fall to the wayside and I leave my phone elsewhere and revel in holding my kid, in watching her sleep, in having nothing better to do. Because, seriously, what's more important?

I could be cleaning or writing or relaxing. But none of that stuff is more important than B. and moments like these that are, soon enough, going to be gone too soon. Quality time with the Husband can wait, text messages and emails can be replied to later. Everything can wait because nothing is more important than this moment right now. So I stay, and I linger, and fifteen minutes doubles and I start to feel like if every bad thing that's happened has meant I get to be here, right now, with B. watching her sleep, then I'd gladly let them happen all over again.

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be nice. unless you can be cake and then always be cake.