being mum|on sleepy memories

As a parent, I've tried to have some hard rules around bedtime. Tuck in, book, songs, bed, bye. It doesn't always work but it was, for the most part, a routine in our house. But it's always a routine I felt off about because B. will be six soon and then, in a little while, she won't request sleepy snuggles at all and we'd have missed out. So I've relaxed on the last part of that rule and now we frequently partake in sleepy snuggles {Husband too} and it's fun.

B. doesn't take that long, usually, to fall asleep. In five minutes she's out and nothing could wake her. I like to enjoy those first few minutes, watching her eyes droop and her breathing steady. I watch for the adorable lip smacking thing that Husband says I do too. And I take in her ridiculously long lashes and little pout. And then, when she's really asleep, sometimes I get up and go do what needs to be done but, lately, I've been rather enjoying staying longer than what's needed because moments like these are what make my day. These are the moments that feel truly special. It's in these moments that I feel worthy, loved and important.

I used to hate bedtime because my anxiety would get the best of me. Because letting B. sleep in her own bed and leaving her room, to me, was letting her go and I wasn't sure I could handle that. Now, bedtime has become a savoured experience and I let everything fall to the wayside and I leave my phone elsewhere and revel in holding my kid, in watching her sleep, in having nothing better to do. Because, seriously, what's more important?

I could be cleaning or writing or relaxing. But none of that stuff is more important than B. and moments like these that are, soon enough, going to be gone too soon. Quality time with the Husband can wait, text messages and emails can be replied to later. Everything can wait because nothing is more important than this moment right now. So I stay, and I linger, and fifteen minutes doubles and I start to feel like if every bad thing that's happened has meant I get to be here, right now, with B. watching her sleep, then I'd gladly let them happen all over again.


damn i'm amazing

Do you ever look at yourself and think damn I'm amazing!? I could lie and pretend that I'm not that self-involved but I am because I do...

I can't pinpoint when exactly I woke up and just loved every inch of myself {that sounds dirtier than intended} but I do and it's really fucking amazing. Because I'm sarcastic and don't care to change and I have stretch marks and could care less. Because my boobs are always really soft and that pleases me. Because I have this stomach that never sits flat and I don't bloody care. Because I think I'm hilarious and I don't care if anybody else feels the same. Because I do shit like this with umbrellas before I even realise what the hell I'm doing and I insist Husband take a photo because I think I'm awesome.

I think my late twenties were when I really learnt to love myself and even though my head is fucked up I really do. I love that I'm a sarcastic bitch and I love that I'm surrounded by people who aren't scared to say that to my face.

Also, I think my hair is finally getting to a point where I like it again. Thanks for that, hair. I appreciate it.


friday five|aussie etsy sticker love

By now you know the drill. Sticker obsessed. Blah. Blah. Blah. Sharing my favourite Aussie sticker shops on Etsy --

Fox & Cactus is my favourite Etsy sticker shop. All their stickers are hand drawn and original and that's rather refreshing in this clip art filled world. Their girls are, hands down, the best stickers in the store and, yes, you do need them all. I'm a Rose! Their paper is matte and is deliciously buttery and smooth. Seriously, one of the only Etsy shops where I want to purchase every single thing a million times over. Just divine.

Some cons... their processing and shipping times are excruciatingly long. Longer than the word excruciatingly. All of this is listed in their info but I'm impatient! Another con is their kits, while glorious, lack in icons and a movie marquee -- two things I need desperately in my life.

The Anxious Planner is just sticker perfection. If you sell adorable Harry Potter stickers just know that I love you and one day we will be married. Her stickers are hand drawn and on a wonderful matte paper. They're really bloody cute and processing/shipping is wonderful.

No cons... because when you have a sticker that says "hagrid hair don't care" there is nothing negative to say.

For sticker kit perfection you can't go past Agnes & Rosie. Her kits have everything you need and then some and are perfect to stretch over multiple weeks. Her designs are individual and gorgeous and printed on non-removable matte paper. If you hadn't guessed by now I am actually a matte girl and her kits are just divine to look at. 

Some cons... as mentioned in my review {see here} some of the stickers were raised and a tad worn on the edges {am guessing this happened during shipping} but that's it! So not worth not ordering over.

GP Sticker Studio is another shop where you could just buy it all. Sure, not every kit is my cup of tea but they're all gorgeous. The shop has changed up their paper since my last order so I can't comment on all the newness but, for the most part, every thing they offer is divine and so needed. Their monthly view kits are some of the best out there.

Some cons... stickers don't always stick properly {I have a few that just don't stick down and need to be glued}. The shop isn't exactly contactable. I ordered a mini kit for one sticker alone that wasn't actually in the kit. I contacted the shop and never heard back. Shipping can be iffy and sometimes the writing on the stickers smudge even when you use their recommended pen.

Planner Galaxy is a relatively new find but I'm so glad I happened upon it. Their deco stickers are adorable and, look, any shop with foiled stickers is a win in my book. The font used in the foiled stickers I picked up is divine. 

A con... the sticker paper on the stickers I ordered was cut weirdly. This doesn't affect the stickers at all but, look, I'm picky and I don't like crooked things.


What sticker shops are you loving?


the converse conundrum

I am someone who doesn't like to wear the same outfit twice in a month. Someone who actively remembers what they wore last Wednesday to make sure they don't wear it the next few Wednesdays following. Sometimes I fail at this because laziness rules supreme in my life but, for the most part, I tread carefully down the non-repeating road. I don't do this for anyone but myself. Nobody actually cares if they see me in the same dress two weeks in a row. For some strange reason I care. Have always cared. Except, it seems, when it comes to one pair of shoes. 

Back in the day when I thought pants were an acceptable form of clothing I used to be a massive Converse fan and then I decided pants were a useless emotion and threw the Converse out too. Then, last year, I decided that Converse needed to happen again, slipped on this pair and have never looked back. 

I can not stop wearing them.

I have a problem.

Help me.

I wear them with everything. Dresses. Skirts. Shorts. Even pants.

They are comfy and they make me feel casual and cool rather than constantly over dressed. I adore them. But I've kind of had enough. I wear them all the time and I'm bored with myself. I have dozens of cute flats that I could be wearing. Pencil flats. Bunny flats. Superhero flats. Bow flats. Spikey flats. All the flats {I've now decided the word "flats" is weird}. But no... a continual loop of the same white slip-on Converse. Day in. Day out. All the damn time. To work. Shopping. Out to eat.

I've tried to shake things up a bit but my head instantly jumps to "ooh I bet my Cons would work with this" and then I slip them on and I feel like something is right in this world. And even though another part of me screams that I've spent so much money on shoes over the years only to, now, look like I only own one pair of slightly scuffed shoes I can't stop. And... I don't know what to do with myself.


current beauty favourites

L'OREAL Nude Magique Anti-Redness CC Cream -- the entire Nude Magique range is divine and this CC Cream is no exception. It's wonderfully light, easy to apply and lasts all damn day {even without a primer}. One light layer creates a smooth, dewy finish that doesn't cake or crease. The other day I applied it at 10am and it still looked wonderful, without any touch ups, over 12 hours later. Add to that, that I was outside and walking for hours and then shopping for a few more hours and then had a shower {without intentionally wetting my face} and it's pretty darn amazing. If there's a downside {and there's not one really} it's that it can dry a little orange so make sure you blend!

Covergirl LashBlast Volume Waterproof Mascara -- I used this mascara years and years ago and I've rediscovered my love for it. It creates volume and length and doesn't clump. Love it. The only downside is that it's like a super strength waterproof formula and takes some heavy handed removal at the end of the day. 

Sukin Antioxidant Eye Serum -- as I am prone to do, I just randomly picked up this eye serum and hoped for the best. I know I should really do research and be more practical but, look, that involves more brain cells than I have. Anyway -- the serum is paraben and fragrance free and has ingredients like aloe vera and cucumber. It's wonderfully light and refreshing and helps my under eye area stay plump and hydrated and while using it I look a little less dead inside.

Sukin Detoxifying Clay Masque -- my thought process behind this masque {fancy} was "ooh kale!" and that was about it. I like eating and drinking kale so why not slop some on my face too? The masque is also "infused" with spirulina and parsley to promote a healthy and glowing complexion. It applies lightly and evenly and doesn't irritate my skin when it's on. Once removed my face feels fresh and hydrated because those are totally things I think okay?


What beauty products are you currently loving?


friday five//to-watch list

Five wonderful things to watch --

13 Reasons Why -- I still feel a bit tender talking about this show because it hit a bit too close to home but that's why you have to watch it. It's not just for teenagers, or someone with a teen or someone with suicidal tendencies. It's for everyone and it's not a badly acted teen show. It's actually really fucking good. It doesn't glorify suicide. It's just... watch it. But be warned. I couldn't sleep for hours after watching the last episode. I stayed in bed crying stupidly heavy tears. It was rough. I don't want to stay too much on the show, and I think by now most people know what it's about, but I will say this -- as someone who has always had this grand idea of just how great killing myself would be this show made me get it. Get just how much it would fucking suck for everyone else involved and I love that.

You need to binge watch it on Netflix right now. I'd recommend tissues and if you're sensitive like me, maybe have a watching buddy on hand.

Big Little Lies -- confession: I couldn't be bothered finishing the book so I went into the show with no fucking idea and it was amazing. And I think that's the best way to go into it. Be clueless why don't you? I know the book and the show differ but my statement still stands. Reese Witherspoon is adorable as always and Nicole Kidman is just amazing. I read somewhere recently that the best parts in the show are the unspoken moments between the women and I agree. There's only 7 episodes and since they've already finished airing you can easily binge them in one go. So go.

Being Mary Jane -- I started watching this show because I adore Gabrielle Union but quickly became hooked to the current news story lines and how wonderfully flawed everyone is. There's currently 4 seasons of amazingness and I highly recommend you watch every single one because they just keep getting better.

The People v. O.J. Simpson -- I haven't finished this yet because it makes me irrationally angry but in the best ways possible. It's wonderfully done and absolutely ridiculous in places and since I never actually followed the case I've got no idea. I texted Husband during the first episode so confused because I had no idea O.J. and Nicole had kids together and since I still live in a naive bubble I kind of refuse to believe that anyone with kids could hurt them like that. On a less serious note I just have to say that "Juice" is the stupidest nickname ever and should never be repeated again.

Fantastic Beasts -- I never did watch this at the cinemas so I waited, not so patiently, for it to be released on DVD and... I loved it. Not as much as Harry Potter {because never} but it was wonderfully funny and actually scary in some places and it felt so amazing to be back in that magical world. I wasn't sure I'd like Eddie Redmayne as Newt but I loved him. Jacob is, of course, the star of the show. Him and the Niffler. I think Fantastic Beasts stands on its own and shouldn't be compared to Harry Potter because it isn't, it can't, it will never be. But it's a Rowling creation so it is, of course, everything you could hope for and then a million other things of pure greatness.


mental health//on loneliness

I think one of the hardest parts, for me, of having anxiety and depression is the constant feeling of loneliness. I'm not sure the continual, daily, empty void is something I'll ever get used to. Especially when, for the most part, I am surrounded by such wonderful people. I can't even begin to describe the hatred I feel toward myself when I feel lonely, empty, when I am with my daughter. I feel love toward her, sure, but I also feel a haunting emptiness. And it hurts.

Bailey is the best thing in my life and I can't be better for her. I can try. But I can't be magically cured and for the majority of the time I spend with her, or with anybody really, I feel empty and all alone in this world.

It's a struggle -- my head needs alone time but hates it. My head needs company but hates being around people. And, always, no matter what, no matter who I am with I feel that constant gnawing inside of being alone. Mental illness is alienating and even though I am surrounded by people who "get it" I still feel lonely, as if, I am still unloved and misunderstood. As if nobody will ever get me. As if I don't deserve happiness.

Lately, loneliness has been following me everywhere. I liked to think that I'd gotten used to always feeling empty but lately the emptiness has gotten harder to cope with. I feel as if I am drowning under the weight of being just another nothing.


misadventures in parenting/the sucky parenting diaries

I like to think that I'm a good parent. I like it. It's fun. Bailey is the most awesomely adorable kid in the entire world. Blah blah blah. But here's the thing, sometimes I take this fun thing a bit too far. Sometimes I think I'm too immature for my own good. A sucky parenting discussion --

More often than not, when I work late, Bailey stays up so I can tuck her in and sing her goodnight songs. So we let her stay up to nine thirty and I hate it and love it at the exact same time.

Sometimes B. and I put ice cubes down her dad's clothes just for fun.

On Valentine's Day I decided bed time was ridiculous and we had a dance party instead.

I am stupidly sarcastic and can never seem to say something without sarcasm involved and sometimes that devastates Bailey's self esteem. 

One time we went for froyo at nine at night and then B. went hyper and didn't sleep until well after ten.

I forgot that there was so much sex talk in When Harry Met Sally and B. watched it with me.

I may have accidentally on purpose encouraged Bailey to have fights with whipped cream and now she thinks food fights are fun. Oops.

One of Bailey's favourite shows is Parks and Recreation.

Bailey has her own phone. It is only for games and YouTube but... she has her own phone. It doesn't even have the ability to make calls or send texts and only connects to wifi but... she has her own phone.

I sold B's tablet while she was at school and hoped she wouldn't notice. Oops. Sometimes she tells people the story of this day because, duh, she actually noticed. But, look, in my defense, she was becoming the kid who took the tablet with her when she went out to eat and was on it all the time so it had to go {lazy parenting at its finest}. That shit is just not on. So now we have a limit and unless she's sick and immobile she's not allowed too much tech in the day.

I *may* have brought Bailey up with the belief that chocolate heals everything {ps. it actually does}.

I buy Bailey and I matching pyjamas and then we take pictures in the matching pyjamas. She actually loves it though.


friday five//items essential to survival

I'm currently in a foul mood and when I'm sad and confused and angry and frustrated and all manner of other shitty things I like to buy and/or be gifted things. I'm materialistic. Stuff makes me feel better. Sometimes I think that if my Husband had an orgy without me but gave me a gift when he broke the news I'd be fine. Hurt that I didn't get to join in on the fun, sure, but... stuff. I'm kind of like the dog who gets distracted by squirrels. Shove something swoon-worthy in my face and I'll get really distracted and forget you devastated my self-esteem. Since I'm currently feeling so meh I had to compile a list of five things I need right this instant to cure the mood --


shop spotlight//go case

Social media advertising is either really wonderful for discovering great shops or really annoying for the bombardment alone. Or both at the same time. I don't know. I'm fickle. I stumbled upon gocase and happily spent a good portion of a Sunday searching through their 6S Plus range and then, having a nervous breakdown when I couldn't decide between a few different favourites. Eventually, my adorable kid came to the rescue with the decree that I had to buy this unicorn pizza case and when a kid who hates pizza {what?!} insists that you need this case you buy the case.

So I did.

Gocase products are made with high quality TPU and apparently have "impeccable printing quality". I've only had my case for a few weeks and the image hasn't scratched or flaked so there's that. The case is basically a condom for your phone minus that icky sticky stuff {why???} with raised rubber edges to protect your screen. I wasn't sure I'd love going from a hard case from Skinnydip {see here} to a soft rubbery one but I'm now a convert. After my last unicorn case snapped *sob* I'm really looking forward to one that won't do the same. So another win. Another plus is that the buttons are really bloody easy to access, press, flick and use and I really bloody love that.

Now... let's be negative for a moment.

Gocase is based in The Netherlands so, of course, shipping is going to take time. I understand that. Fine. But when you get a shipping notification email that clearly states 3-8 business days and you reach 10 business days, log into your account and find that shipping really takes 10-15 business days that's not on. This frustrates me. How? Why? Why would they devastate my self esteem in such a way? I live in Sydney, Australia, and the shipping took 14 bloody business days which is utterly ridiculous and rude.

Of course, now I'm prepared for the shipping time and, yes, I will be ordering again because this Harry Potter Expecto Patronum is needed in my life as is this Han Solo and Leia one because that's Husband and I except he's Leia and I'm Han.  

And, look, aside from the shipping lies I really, honestly, truly, recommend gocase for quirky, fun and affordable phone case condoms. So go buy fifty why don't you?


planner love//erin condren v. happy planner

I am a recent Erin Condren convert but before switching to the EC I was happily in Happy Planner land. Now that I'm using the EC -- the neutral vertical -- I can firmly say that I am never going back. There's nothing wrong with the Happy Planner {it's a perfectly wonderful planner} but there are a few things that bring the EC to the top of my planner hierarchy. 

The things I adore about the Erin Condren -- the space between the days/boxes {it just feels cleaner} and the lines underneath the vertical boxes {love the blank space even if it is just for washi}.

The Happy Planner has no spaces between each day and always has decorative elements underneath the boxes. I loved this at first but after some time it gets tedious to try and find washi to cover it and/or match the elements to every spread. I also really dislike the colour in the weekend. This is for every weekend and it gets old. You can also see that the boxes are longer in the Happy Planner and you'd think this is a positive but I found that I fit more in the EC.

The Happy Planner is on rings and every page is removable. I loved this aspect at first but the paper starts to become worn after some time.

The EC is on a coil and only the cover is removable. It takes some getting used to writing on the Wednesday but once you do it's actually really easy.

The Erin Condren is more expensive than the Happy Planner. If we're not including ridiculous Australian mark-ups or Australian shipping the EC is $60+ and the HP is $30+. Both have add-on's that mark the price up. If the EC is too pricey for you I'd highly recommend the HP but, look, the paper on the EC is just better. It feels nicer, it looks nicer and bleeds less. It's worth spending more for the paper quality alone.

Some comparisons --

The EC inside covers have a lined and a blank writing space like a whiteboard. The HP are merely decorative.

The HP has a page before the monthly with space and prompts to write birthdays, goals and other things you're currently loving/watching/etc. The EC has a lined page before each month.

The EC and HP tabs are both laminated and sturdy but the divider pages differ greatly. The HP have card-stock like divider pages with gorgeous designs. The EC has quotes on each. 

The EC comes with a pocket at the back {after the notes pages}. The HP doesn't have any pockets though you can purchase some to add on.

The HP seems to favour floral designs. The EC favours watercolours and asterisks. 


Of course, everyone has different preferences and things they want/crave/need but, personally, the Erin Condren is where my planning heart is at and I ain't ever going back.

*I feel like I should add a disclaimer here that I actually won my Erin Condren in a prize pack. I did not purchase it, however, I do intend to purchase one for 2018.