3/20/2017

hey! how are you?

Remember when I ranted about my aversion to talking on the phone? Or, rather, my aversion to being connected? I wrote that interesting piece of crap back in April last year and my condition has only worsened since then. I now despise texting. In fact, now I just despise any form of communication whatsoever. 

Here's the thing, I hate this "instant" world we live in. I hate the idea of contacting someone when you don't have anything to say. Hate it. But it feels like I am surrounded by people who just contact you to say "hey! how are you?" and nothing else... what is the point of this? I would honestly not care in the slightest if somebody didn't talk to me for months on end just because they had nothing to say. I frequently have nothing to say and it's wonderful...

I have this amazing friend who is kind of the same as me. We are actually really close but we rarely talk to each other. I find her interesting and {I think} she finds me interesting but we don't just talk for no reason. She was in the hospital with pneumonia around the same time Bailey spent two weeks non-stop vomiting while I battled swine flu and we didn't contact each other during that time. 

Unlike some people I have known, after we'd recovered and gotten back to some semblance of normalcy, she did not attack me for not being there for her and I did not attack her for not being there for me. Because we are both busy and we both don't like asking for help and she understands that I don't talk when my life is going to shit and she doesn't begrudge me that.

As my mental health has gotten harder to manage and as I've distanced myself from all my dangerous coping methods, I have become less inclined to keep in contact. I just don't like talking to people. Ever, really. Of course, there are exceptions and there are some people I can't go too long without speaking to but, then, there are the others who I don't dislike but who I just don't have anything to say to. And I don't see anything wrong with that.

I just can't handle the fact that we live in a world where there are people who are offended when you don't contact them. I would understand if someone had sent countless texts that went unanswered. Sure. Go ahead. Be offended. But if you are silent and the other person is silent... well, what's wrong with that? That's my idea of heaven. Why does silence instantly have to mean hatred?

I understand that we are all different but, look, I refuse to become someone who texts another person for no reason at all. I don't often have things to say because I am a private person {ha!}, because I hate talking to people I adore most of the time, because my brain is always on and not talking to people helps. Sure, there are times when I go to contact someone and my anxiety stops me out of fear and that's crippling and something I still struggle to get past but other than that I don't contact people because I have nothing to say.

I feel like I'm in the minority here but I don't care. Because I'd rather be the person you rarely hear from if it means that I'm not on my phone all the damn time. I'd rather be all there with my kid. When I'm with some of my closest friends I don't pick up my phone the entire time we're together. When I'm with B. it's just her and I. When I'm on a date with my Husband my phone stays away. I can't be around people who are always on their phone. I'm grateful to be around people who actually talk to B. People who are seldom on their phone. 

And in my perfect world nobody would be on their phones unless they had something valuable to say or do. End of rant, grouchy old person out.

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