12/06/2016

i close my eyes when i get too sad...

When I was a teen I found solace in the song Wonderful by Everclear. No song, at the time and I think, even now, has ever felt so intrinsically me and every time I felt the urge to cut, to drown, to die I'd put this song on repeat and cry until the urge, largely, went away. I close my eyes when I get too sad. I think thoughts that I know are bad... Always.

After I met a certain nerdy boy I stopped listening to this song as a means to stopper death. It become a distant memory, a song that I listened to because it was good and nothing more. At times, it would become too hard to listen to for the painful memories that would come rushing forward. In some ways I felt free. I no longer needed something to help me cope because coping wasn't necessary. I just was.

And then... now, it's returned to my life as this sad, painful and wonderful thing. I play it on repeat constantly, as if to survive the days. I never thought I would come back to this place, this pain, but here I am, feeling as lonely as teen-aged me. Oftentimes I feel all alone in this life which is full of wonderful people and, yet, the hurt I've experienced over the last three years has finally become too much to bear and I am back in my bedroom with my eyes closed, without the same boy to aide in my rescue, hoping it's all over when I open them. 

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