11/16/2016

mental health//currently

For years I have put others before my mental health. I pushed through anxiety attacks in order to make others feel important and valued. And then I'd spend nights in freezing cold showers, drinking too much, wishing for death. I'd press sharp objects against my flesh and pick at my skin until I saw blood. During particularly stressful moments I'd randomly cut my hair until I didn't feel like myself anymore. And then I stopped. It may have been the new medication or a change of mindset, perhaps both, but I decided I needed a break and, so, I put everything on hold {friends, family, writing} and just rested. 

It was everything I needed and more. Yet, I felt like I could spend my whole life in hiding because I was terrified. When you don't leave the house you have nothing to fear. When you don't have anywhere to be or anyone to see the thoughts don't come. I knew I needed to snap out of it {as blissful as it was} because I wasn't really living. I was grateful for the break and I knew I needed it but I also knew I needed to get back into the swing of things. I just didn't know how.

 Eventually it was someone who didn't care about me or my mental health who snapped me out of it. A few horrible comments made me realise that I was hiding from the world and the bad still came. I fell into the depression and, then, after some tears I realised this person, as disgusting as I thought they were, had done me a favour. I, kind of, instantly snapped out of my paused haze and rejoined the world. It was frightening and wonderful.

Now I'm nowhere near "cured" but I feel more capable of handling things. I still have anxiety attacks taking B. to school and I've picked up this incredibly annoying hand/finger tick that I do inadvertently when I'm in distress {read: all the fucking time}. My head still tells and shows me horrible things before I'm about to go out and enjoy life as if to stop me from going. Sometimes I wonder if it knows something I don't and is trying to keep me from harm? Still, I go and, sure, I might be in tears trying to put on make up and my body trembles as I attempt to get out the door but once the fresh air hits my face I feel relief.

Sometimes Husband has to leave work early so he can help me with B. Sometimes it hurts to look at her, my gorgeous child, because I can't be better for her. Being loved and giving love hurts. Being around people gives me migraines that takes days to heal. I still sleep an awful lot but life doesn't feel as foggy.

I'm grateful.

For rude people and revelations.

For amazing people and their never ending kindness.

For a Husband who knows just what to do when he sees my fingers do their odd dance.

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