10/05/2016

mental health//on depression

Here's the thing -- depression comes in all shapes & sizes. I don't speak for everyone here but here are some thoughts --

Depression is exhausting. A constant battle every single day to get out of bed, to put on a fake smile, and be a parent/wife/go to work/whatever. To not be tempted by the deliciousness of sharp objects against your flesh. 

Depression and anxiety feels like a big fucking joke doesn't it? One medication helps with the depression but you are so constantly anxious that you need to switch and then that one helps with the anxiety but not the depression. And, so, for months and months you spend most of your time in bed, scared to leave your sanctuary and when you finally get up you're terrified to leave your house because you feel safe here. But don't get any ideas about inviting people over because people in your space makes the walls start closing in and you can't breathe and you get dizzy and you feel as if you're going to die.

Yet, you can't tell anyone because your head warns you against it. They'll take Bailey away from you. They'll laugh. They don't care. So you shut yourself off and hope that people will understand because, hey, they know bits and pieces, the diagnosis at least. But they don't get it and everything falls apart so you retire to bed and shrink further into yourself, vowing to never let anyone in because you're a mess.

You can't take your child to school because being outside, or the mere thought of it, gives you terribly vivid of flashes of her being struck by a car, bleeding, dying in your arms. And when you get the bright idea to take her to the park and, you know, have fun {remember that?} your brain decides to show you images of your child being gutted by some crazed park killer so you stay home. Depression keeps you at home while your family has fun without you. I wonder how I get that to stop?

Therapy is currently useless.

Medication is helping keep the waves less rocky. Keeping sharp objects away a lot less, I guess.

Yet, life keeps going and people are mean. People leave and people die and more reasons to believe your head, that the world would be better off without you, continue to pop up at every turn. 

And I'm just tired...

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