9/10/2016

on sadness...

Sometimes being sad is the most ludicrous thing. That bone-aching, depressive sadness that swallows entire days of your life. That steals moments with your child and takes away your ability to talk because words and thinking hurt too much. So you lie in bed for days, weeks, months and you're still in this terrible hole.

Most advice will tell you to just get up and do stuff and I do. I go to work and attend school things and go to dance class and food shop. The essential stuff. I struggle to do more than that. I don't know why. I don't know why my mind can't just click and do better. I wish someone would tell me what to do when I look at my loved ones and ache for love and sadness. Sadness that I can't be better for them. 

And you do all the right things. You take medication and you see a Doctor and you don't believe your head when it tells you hideous things and you try but it's been years now of the crappy, completely overwhelming pain and your Husband is still taking leave to look after you as if you were a sick child and you still can't do the things you used to. Parks still make you scared for your life and you so miss watching your child play there. And being in a car makes you sort of a jumpy mess and you wonder what life is like where you can travel somewhere without visions of your dead family everywhere.

Sadness. Life. Ludicrous.

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