being mum//the second child

I have a confession to make. I'm scared to have a second child. I have been asked numerous times since having B. -- so are you going to have another? And I shake my head no! and they say: so not now or ever? Why? as if there's something wrong with me {which, yes, but also, no}. And then, sometimes, I get told that I'm doing a disservice to B., that I'm setting her up for a terrible life because every kid needs a sibling. How horrid am I?

Now, I have never been offended by these conversations because why? But the repeat questions are starting to become annoying and sometimes when people ask {particularly strangers} they look at my stomach as if to say: for sure you're already one hundred months pregnant and I'm like no I just like cake! And chocolate! And all the food!

But here's the thing -- maybe, just maybe, I might like a second child but I'm really bloody terrified because --

1. Yes, some parents do the multiple kids thing wonderfully but some really suck and when I see parents screaming that they're going to beat their kids in public for breathing too loud I get frightened that I could turn into that.
2. Getting pregnant means going off my medication and I vividly remember the beginning of the year when that went down so well. Yes, crying in the shower because you dropped a bottle of body wash is perfectly normal.
3. I don't know how I'll handle being pregnant again. I so adored it the first time and I so miss having a baby in my belly but since having B. my back and legs have gone to shit and can you imagine the second time around?
4. I adore B. and I love our relationship and I don't want that to change. This is not to say that people who have multiple kids don't love their first {because stupid} but B. and I have something special {yes, I'm sure you and your first do too} and that may not change completely but it will have to change a bit and that makes me sad. Every morning B. and I have snuggles for 10-15 minutes {sometimes we laze in bed for half an hour} and when she gets home from school and before she goes to bed. We do crafts together and go shopping together and hold hands and skip around and just have fun together. Sure, a new kid might join in with all that and that would be wonderful but for a while that kid is just going to cry and poop and eat and that's not kosher.

But... here are some other thoughts:

1. I have seen siblings together and they have fun and seem so in love with each other. Wouldn't that be so wonderful for B?
2. B. is so loving and caring and she would be so wonderful with a baby.
3. Husband cried of happiness when he found out I was pregnant with B. Wouldn't that be wonderful to see again? Even if I still tease him about it...
4. Babies are really fun and if a second one is as easy as B. was then life is going to be even more amazing.


So what's a girl to do? Because when I wanted a baby, when Husband and I were discussing B. before she was a B., I could feel it in my bones. I ached in desperate need for her. And the day I found out I was pregnant I just knew that she was there before I peed on all those sticks. I just knew... with everything with B. I just knew... And right now I don't know and if there's a lean anywhere it's certainly into the "no" column. But is that how every mother feels when thinking of a second {or third or fourth}? Or is it still, forever and always, a complete gut feeling?

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be nice. unless you can be cake and then always be cake.