mental health//the crazy list

Sometimes it feels like I have fifty-hundred mental issues so I have resorted to just classifying them as "crazy". My "crazy pills". Having a "crazy day/moment/life". I know, I know... But, look, it doesn't make me feel bad about myself {it actually helps make it feel fun almost} and I don't call anyone else crazy, so let me have this one okay?

Lately, I've been feeling kind of like being "crazy" is ludicrous or, well, even more ludicrous than usual and, so, I've started writing a list of everything that brings about an anxiety attack, panic attack, some lovely depression or a ptsd flash --

1. Going to the dentist. I had my teeth cleaned and the combination of not being able to move and having fifty things in my mouth {lol} and not knowing what was happening caused me to freak the fuck out. I couldn't breathe, could barely walk. So I kind of collapsed into the car and just started scream crying. Fun.

2. Having a facial. Enclosed room. Hot room. Someone touching me. Lying still for an hour. Not having anything to occupy me. Soothing music that was anything but. Addition of eye treatment didn't help. Never again.

3. Not being able to spend money.

4. Spending money.

5. Crowds -- why won't everyone go away? Am I going to die?

6. No crowds -- where is everyone? Am I going to die?

7. Customers yelling at me at work.

8. Boss reprimanding me at work.

9. Boss not reprimanding me at work -- what's going on? Am I dying?

10. Repetitive noises.

11. Mess.

12. Anything too neat.

13. Bad handwriting {my own}. 

14. Mistakes in my planner.

15. Nothing to do but relax.

16. Too much to do.

17. Having to reply to a text from someone bar a handful of people.

18. Make a phone call.

19. Answer a phone call.

20. A voicemail.

21. A missed call and no voicemail.

22. Husband in the car alone.

23. Me in the car with Husband.

24. Husband and Bailey in the car without me.

25. Driving.

26. Driving in the rain.

27. Dead animals on the road.

28. Thinking of dead animals on the road.

29. Thunderstorms.

30. The idea of thunderstorms.

31. Taking the dogs for a walk.

32. Not taking the dogs for a walk.

33. Having to go get blood tests for my liver because my crazy pills deem it so.

34. Making doctors appointments.

35. Avoiding doctors appointments.

36. Therapists.

37. Not seeing a therapist.

38. Loud noises I can't control.

39. Soft noises I can't control.

40. Strangers screaming at their kids.

41. Strangers threatening to beat their kids.

42. The library.

43. Any kind of market.

44. Elevators.

45. Escalators.

46. Not being to do what I want to do the second I want to do it.

47. The unknown.

48. Waiting.

49. Not getting enough sleep.

50. Getting too much sleep.

51. Not getting enough time with B. or Husband.

52. No alone time.

53. Not being able to move freely under a blanket.

54. Being over heated.

55. Being too cold.

56. Being itchy.

57. Not being able to have a shower whenever I want.

58. Not being to have a cup of tea as soon as I need one.

59. Waiting for tea to cool.

60. Falling asleep.

61. Waking up.

62. Hurt animals in TV/movies.

63. Idiots on social media.

64. The idea of disappointing people I love.

65. Having to make a decision.

66. Not being in control of every single decision.

67. Change.

68. Nothing changing.

69. Husband being too busy at work.

70. Going to bed alone.

71. Going to bed with someone.

72. Being touched. 

73. B. sleeping.

74. Not being able to protect B. every second of every day.

75. B. at school.

76. The idea of B. growing up recklessly. 

77. Stupid people.

78. Sadness for no reason.

79. Sadness for all the reasons.

80. My head telling me horrible things.

81. My head being empty.

82. Too much caffeine.

83. Cold sores.

84. Being sick.

85. Bailey sick.

86. Death.

87. Things not going my way.

88. Having to sit still.

89. Having to just do one thing like watch a movie and not doing a few other things at the same time.

90. Having too many things to do like watch a movie and having other stuff to do as I watch.

91. Crooked books on a bookshelf.

92. Board games that aren't perfectly lined up.

93. Food/cans in the cupboard/fridge that aren't arranged correctly.

94. Money issues {duh!}

95. Bailey crying because it breaks my heart and sends me into an anxious spiral.

96. The wifi being down.

97. Not having my whole week planned out.

98. Having my whole week planned out.

99. Husband being too nice.

100. Not being in the near vicinity of chocolate.


Fun, right?

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be nice. unless you can be cake and then always be cake.