run down with sadness

Sometimes I get so run down with sadness. It always comes, seemingly, out of nowhere and I hate it. I'm like a broken record at this point, even I roll my eyes at myself. Again? Really? Because isn't it enough? Sometimes I find myself so heart broken, dejected and a shell of myself. I hate myself because I have a child who is the greatest and I just can't be better. And then I get bogged down in the "she deserves better" feels and then some stupid character on TV rattles my anxiety and I take fifty showers and retire to bed to put stickers on things and drown in my misery.


I read something the other day that perfectly sums up anxiety and depression and communicating with others. Because I rarely text people and sometimes I type a text to someone that may be as simple as "hi" and I stare at that stupid message, running over every possible reply in mind, before I eventually delete the message and hide my phone away. Communicating with people is kind of the scariest thing for me this year. Knowing I should reach out and never being able to is making me irritable and exhausted and scared. Scared to leave the house. Knowing anyone can say anything at any time, that I could disappoint them. Of course, the knowledge that not reaching out is probably more disappointing than a stupid "hi" doesn't deter my brain from its own stupidity.

Lovely right?

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be nice. unless you can be cake and then always be cake.