5/08/2016

mental health//on mother's day

In the week leading up to today, to Mother's Day, I have felt my depression worsen, have felt the blackness, the fog, creep over me and smother me whole. I have felt terribly sad and have bottled these feelings and continued on with helping B. learn how to read and write, practice her mini-talk about her favourite place in the world. I have eaten dinners at dining tables and smiled when I felt like absolute shit. I have loved and hated every second of it.

One may assume that I'm feeling crappy today because I don't have a relationship with my mother but nope, that's not it. Why would I? Today I am more depressed than ever because I feel like a mum not worth celebrating because I am depressed. I feel so cross with myself that my head can talk me into being miserable, into wanting to die because I have mental illness.

But, really, truly, I just don't feel worthy of love. Not any day but especially today. When Husband and B. set out on a shopping trip for me I swallowed back a lump in my throat. My head told me to stop them going because I wasn't worthy of their time. Instead, I let them go and pretended to be fine and ate salad and watched Real Housewives and tried to talk myself into feeling worthy.

It never works though does it?

Because if it did I wouldn't be in this mess.

I wouldn't feel like crap for medication and therapy not fixing me.

I wouldn't feel like a failure to B. for not being happy all the time.

I wouldn't have anxiety and panic attacks about sucking as a mum.

I would just be happy.

Fuck. I wish.

Today, and all this week, I'm struck by a conversation I had with my Husband not too long ago. About suicide. About how depression talks you into it. About how you fight it for so long and then, one day, you just can't fight any longer. We talked about, snuggled up together, and my Husband admitted he was scared for me. I cried for it then and I cry for it now because I know there's a very real possibility that I may never get better and I may kill myself. And my Husband knows it too.

That terrifies me.

So, no, today, I don't feel deserving of all this love. Because I have depression and anxiety. And I have a kid who deserves better than me. 

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