3/29/2016

can we discuss how stupid anxiety is?

I feel like anxiety is the dumbest thing which feels like such a stupid thing to say but, fuck, its true.

I have always felt kind of wrong in my body, hence the abundance of showers. Itchy. Dirty. Wrong. As if the worthless feelings soaked into my skin and devoured my entire being. But now the feeling has moved into my mouth and I'm currently anxiety-ing my way through my head wanting my rip my teeth out. My teeth feel like they hurt, as if they don't belong in my mouth, as if they're foreign to me. 

Isn't that the stupidest thing? 

As if brushing my teeth and using mouth wash and flossing twice a day isn't enough. 

So now, I'm at a point where my gums and teeth are so raw and sensitive for over brushing and still feeling like an alien in my own body. The sensation of which sends me into a depression that sees me cowering in bed with Netflix and movies designed to lift me up that do the exact opposite.

Can you even imagine what it's like to so furiously want to rip your own teeth out? To want them out of your mouth? To have your head tell you it's the only way you'll feel free?

I feel crazy and deranged and a whole bunch of other words that make me feel as I should be committed or taken away from people because I fucking suck.

I just brushed my teeth.

I just flossed.

And gargled mouth wash.

I furiously scrubbed at the back of my teeth with those picky brush thingys.

They still feel dirty.

They still feel wrong.

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