being mum//the sucky parenting guide

It has come to my attention recently that I very much suck at parenting. Here's why:

one. I'm such a kid/brat myself that I don't see any problem with half the "naughty" things B. does. Husband, on the other hand, says that it's not funny when B. chucks an epic tantrum because her "bunker" on the daybed isn't to her exact specifications and her saying she wants to break the daybed is not nice. But, here's the thing, if that daybed crossed me, I'd want to break the fucker too.

two. drop off time at school is so darn boring. Ugh. And there are parents who wait around after the kid is in the room to just sneak another peak and yeah, sure, I'd rather be with my kid 24/7 than have her at the place they call "school" {new thing, apparently} but, also, I've got better things to be doing than watching my kid walk into a classroom and peak in at her through a window. I could be sleeping or on Instagram or something else really important.

three. I've spoken about my distaste for bed time before {here -- read me!} and in some ways I've gotten better but in other ways I've gotten worse. Like when I've worked the night and haven't seen B. all day because hobo had to go to school to learn {kid knows how to count to one hundred, it's all downhill from there} so we snuggle up on the couch and watch Golden Girls together and she drifts off within five minutes but, still, goals man. I don't know, bedtime is so boring and I remember as a kid wanting nothing more than to just fall asleep out in the lounge room near my parents {don't ask me why, I was delusional back then} so I let B. do the same because, hey, I'm pretty darn awesome. 

four. B. has always been a wonderful eater but she's also been a snacker {like me!} and when she was a baby/toddler the nurses told me to stamp it out and I just nodded and pretended to agree but really I was probably thinking about shoes. I don't think snacking is that bad. I much prefer it to eating meals and B. kind of does too. And, sure, she loves vegetables {broccoli, cucumber, tomatoes!} and adores tuna and salmon and that's great and all but she also loves chicken nuggets but only if they are cooked in the microwave {don't you dare give her oven baked!} and she loves baked beans but only if they are dumped straight from the can into a bowl and eaten as is. So, yes, sometimes, B. eats cold baked beans for dinner and I tried to care but really I'm just a lazy fuck.

Also, we tried instituting a rule where she is not allowed to eat the same thing two nights in a row {otherwise she'd become a chicken nugget I tell you} but just last week she devoured spinach and ricotta pasta three nights in a row. Sue me.


Sometimes I feel like I should spend less time writing about all the ways in which I suck and focus more on the good I do but, ugh, boring right? Who really needs to know that I do awesome Disney movie watching and popcorn eating and pyjama wearing? That shit would just make you feel bad about your inadequacies. 

But on a serious note, I know I'm a pretty great parent, thank you very much. I also know I've got a pretty great set of boobs that I wish I could motorboat. I do suck a lot {not just penis! get your mind out of the gutter! but, also, yes, penis} but as long as my kid is happy and healthy I don't let too much of my suck-ity get in the way of life and when I do I just put on Shake It Off and have a dance party instead...

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