being mum//the starting school feels

I know this is a cliche, I know I'm making a huge deal out of something that most people experience but... I can't help it. B. started school today {Thursday as I type, Monday as I post} and I feel so many darn things that I'm muddled and most certainly off.

1. Last night while B. was sleeping I stared at her and thought she seemed much too little to start school.
2. Is she vomiting?
3. What happens if she chokes on vomit while she sleeps?
4. Go to sleep, you fool.
5. Toilet. It's 5 am. I miss B.
6. Toilet. It's 7am. I wonder what would happen if we all accidentally slept right through the morning?
7. Crap it's only 7.17am.
8. Apparently Husband set an alarm. Damn over achiever.
9. Why is B. shoving a Darth Vader in my face?
10. Berries in bed with B. Let's take a picture.
11. Ugh, why am I that mum? The last berries in bed together before she starts school, as if we'll never eat berries together again...
12. I am lame.
13. I wish I knew another language so I could tell B. not to go to school without her knowing. Why so dumb?
14. This pain in my stomach, in my heart, in my whole being hurts. I feel pangs of sadness. This feels like the beginning of the end.
15. Why did I listen to my child last year when she said she wanted to start pre-school? We could have had another year together.
16. I'd be quite good at home schooling, you know. Class would start around one and you'd be graded on the fine art of sleeping in. Uniform would pyjamas and Disney movies would be a subject.
17. B. has moved on to pancakes with Husband in the kitchen. Am currently petulant overgrown child in bed.
18. Why? Technically kids don't need to start school until five so why does B. have the need to be so darn early?
19. What if the teachers hate her because she's younger? What if she doesn't make friends? What if she's not emotionally equipped for this? What if she has a toilet accident? Where will she eat recess and lunch? What if she's really saying "don't make me go" when she's squealing about how she's as excited as she is loud?
20. School...
21. The teacher is hustling us out the door. I think I left my phone in the room. Or my shoes. Or something else. My sanity maybe?
22. What kind of Husband doesn't believe their wife when she has she left her shoes in her kids classroom? Have I ever lied before? Don't let the shoes on my feet sway your opinion.
23. I hate the school.
24. I hate my Husband.
25. Distracted by Star Wars and cinema merchandise.
26. BB!
27. Must check my phone to see if the school called for us to come take her back.
28. Distracted by Star Wars devastation.
29. As devastated as much as Chewbacca is hairy.
30. Shopping...
31. I'm sweating balls.
32. Pick up time is soooo boring!
33. I hate waiting.
34. When can I see my ki---- ooh squirrel!
35. Picked up kid who is now ranting about some girls "ugly" Frozen backpack which I had labelled as such a week or so earlier when B. was insisting she needed the same one from Kmart. Oops.
36. B. is frustrated she didn't learn anything at school.
37. Kid is home and doing self-appointed homework.
38. Lunchbox is away. Notes have been read. Certificate of first day at kindy oohed over.
39. Life really is the same isn't it? Chugging along at warp speed. Han Solo-less.
40. Maybe school ain't so bad after all. Except... the nine am start time seems a bit early doesn't it? Barbaric almost? Ugh...

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