1/21/2016

that married life//confessions of a dating app


One night Husband showed me the world of Steam and I looked at his excited face and all the dumb ass games he wanted to play and decided I needed to get laid. But not by him. Before this night I had been feeling pretty - ugh - about monogamy. I love my Husband. He's my best friend. But monogamy can be pretty bloody boring. I'm not sure I believe in it. In a good marriage, I believe, you can talk about this stuff. So, I talked to Husband and told him I missed the thrill of single life. Yes, I may have been 17 when Husband and I started but I had been... around. Sometimes I miss that around-ness.

 With that frame of my mind and my nerd-ville Husband I decided enough was enough and downloaded a dating app. Not Tinder {because I don't have no Facebook}. I told Husband and he was like meh because he trusts me and he knows I'd never do anything without his knowledge. The first step in this dating app game is to upload a picture. Easy right? Nope...

My first picture on my profile was uploaded by accident -- a picture my kid had drawn of a dog. Crap. I deleted that a few minutes later when I had finally figured out how to delete. The next photo had my Husband in it and was also an accident. Ugh. In the next photo my wedding rings were prominently displayed and I wasn't sure of the etiquette of such things so I left that one off. Why did all of my photos involve my kid or my Husband? Oh, because I'm married with a kid. Right. Moving on... I finally found a photo that was okay -- a selfie, of course -- and uploaded it to use as my main picture. 

Next, apparently, you needed to add information about yourself. A story. Some hobbies? Why? I left these blank because, really, this was just a lark. Some research, really. And, also, if it were serious I'd just be after some great sex so I could care less about the guy and would hope he'd feel the same. Who needs stories for orgasms? 

Moving on from the information overload I just began looking at my recommendations. Without any real information about me I'm not sure how they compiled these selections but whatever. Perhaps, my age and location were enough? I don't know. Nobody sparked my interest so after scrolling through some photos I put my phone away. Sure, the guys were attractive but they weren't my Husband who, while balding and weird, is the most beautiful person I have ever known.

During the night I started to get notifications. A few wanted to "meet me" but that just confused me even more? Meet as in meet in real life? Or meet on the app? But how does one meet on an app? A few wanted to chat. And some left me a message but to see it you needed to subscribe and pay money and there was no way in hell I was doing that. So, again, I left it.

 The next morning I woke up to a few more chat/meet/whatever requests. One guy was really bloody attractive and I was confused as to why he wanted to chat to me because, after all, I'm not hot by any standard. Another guy had kids who didn't live with him was looking for a serious relationship. After some more "research" I found that most of the guys were looking for something more. Sure, they could just be saying that but why? If you just want sex say that. I could care less.

The guys with kids made me sad. I felt guilty. So after less than 24 hours I deleted the app. Well, actually, that's a lie. I got my Husband to remove my account properly because I had no idea how and then I deleted the app. No booty call for me. After all, it was kind of lark. Probably only 10% serious and I didn't want to lead anybody on. Perhaps, this was an app for relationships. Some people want them, so Husband says...

**

So, my dating app days are over. I don't get them. I'm too old. Can't you just walk up to someone and ask them for some sex? Or is that old-fashioned?

I've got no bloody idea. I'm still not sure how I feel about monogamy. It's still kind of boring and, sure, there's porn and sex toys but nothing really beats the thrill of those first kisses and sex against a wall does it?

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