being mum//hand holding & happy tears

One moment from B's delivery sticks out more than the others. The rest are a kind of muddled blur but this, this moment remains vividly clear, so much so that I can almost taste it. B. and I are all cleaned up, the failure of breastfeeding has already been and gone and B. is all snuggled up in Husband's arms, swaddled perfectly by a midwife, and I'm wincing in bed, delirious and dizzy for loss of blood. 

The delivering {and menacingly anti-drug} midwife announces her entrance back into the room, reeking of curry and sees me in a ball of tears, staring at my adorable kid and immediately seems panicked -- what's wrong?

I have a baby!

The midwife looks at me, like, duh what did you think you got so fat for? And then I sniffle - she makes me so happy

She did then and she does now. B. makes me feel like a desperate girl clinging to her coolness as if my life depends on it. But that's okay because I'm anything but cool and B. is so unaware of others and what they're thinking and doing that she's effortless. And, look, yes, I know she's four-and-a-half but I'm in awe of that kid.

In the first hour of her life I became a happy crier when, previously, the very thought had me sick. I'm kind of very anti-emotion. Emotions make me uncomfortable, okay? But that kid... I'll happy cry around her every day of her life until she stabs me in the eye with a fork and then, look, if we're being totally honest here and we are {because why not?} I'll cry from pain but after that I'll probably, one-hundred percent, definitely cry from joy that my kid {MINE!} decided and went through with the idea of stabbing me because I'm damn annoying, man.


Last night, B. struggled to fall asleep. On that aspect of parenting I'm easy breezy because, hey, we all have issues falling asleep at some point and kids are no exception. I let B. watch some YouTube and stuff around for a bit and then bundled her up in my bed and held her hand as she drifted off. And it was kind of my favourite thing. Sure I've got other stuff to do {TV, cleaning, life} but I never have anything better to do than to hold that weirdo's hand and watch as her eyes drop and her eyelashes flutter.

For long as I'm living, her hand holder I'll be.

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