the business of being me

I found this post over at The Small Town Girl and decided to give it a go {because I'm a big fat stealer}. Loved hers and, obviously, love mine because I love myself sick --

Wake-up time? Whenever I damn well feel like it. If I'm working or have somewhere to be I prefer to get out of the house as early as possible so around 7-7.30am.

First thing you do in the morning? Toilet. Check my phone. Or... if B. and/or Husband are awake we have snuggles.

Working day? at work, work, {part-time} I either start at 9am or in the afternoon and can work from anywhere between 4-8 hours a day 3 days a week. For writing, either here, freelance or creative pieces I start after everyone has left the house and usually don't finish until everyone gets back. Then when B. is asleep and the rest of the cleaning is done I get back to it until bed.

One activity you do everyday without fail? Snuggles in bed with either the whole family together or individual snuggle breaks. Multiple times a day.

"A good day is..." when I haven't had a big depressive/anxious episode and when there has been lots of B. Husband & doggy time. Also, chocolate.

"A good meeting is..." non-existent or, if it must happen {which it shouldn't}, it needs to have baked goods.

Last thing you do at night? Brush my teeth, check on B., make sure the car and all the windows and doors are locked {check again}, check the time, say goodnight to Husband and stress for another hour before before I actually fall properly asleep.

Most surprising thing in your handbag? A broken part of a Frozen hair tie and/or a whole bunch of rubbish and used receipts. As a v. organised person I have a v. messy bag.

Most used emoji? The closed eye smiley face or anything heart related.

What three things are vital to your day? Caffeine. Husband. B.

Most overused phrases? "that devastates my self esteem!", "no, it's horrible and it's got spiders in it!", "blah blah potato" and "something random involving English".

Guilty pleasures? I'm that annoying, smug, person who doesn't feel guilty about anything pleasurable.

How do you stay in shape? By "in shape" I shall presume this means "squishy" and I stay squishy by eating a lot of chocolate and not much else. I don't actually eat a lot. I snack. I'm active-ish but I hate exercise unless it's one v. strenuous activity that can mean "winky face" and is delicious and then -- a couple of times a week {if lucky. kids, ugh!} and v. rough.

How do you cure creative block? By inhaling anything creative -- music, book, blogs, TV, movies. Sometimes I clean. Just having something on in the background helps. When I'm really blocked, getting away from the computer, even if it's for an entire day and just relaxing is the best thing.

What was your dream job as a kid? Writer. Teacher. Porn star {seriously, always wanted to get paid to have sex}. But, really, I just wanted to be happy.

Who is your greatest mentor? Nobody, really. I didn't grow up with anyone really inspiring, just all round crappy people really. I learnt to look at myself and who I really wanted to be. So, I guess, myself at my best. Life is also a pretty great mentor in itself.

What one meeting changed your life? I'm going to take this as meeting someone and in that case I have a few. My Husband who allowed the safety I'd always craved and gave me a space to say "hi my name is Jaye. I love you but I really want to die"/admit I had anxiety and was all kinds of fucked up. Minnie who taught me selfless and unconditional love and Bailey who is just the best.

Proudest moment? Ugh, too hard. I want to say pushing a child out of my vagina with no pain killers but that ain't it. I think I'm pretty proud of myself for not killing myself when I craved it as a kid. I've always wanted to. I had the letters written and the plan and I just kept thinking but what if? Also, I'm pretty darn proud of myself for taking the leap and getting married and having a kid. Those are the hardest things I've ever done.

Hardest piece of criticism you've received? Every time my "dad" called me crazy when I told him I wanted to die. And, to be honest, anything negative my "mum" ever said to me. She had a way with words that made me feel worse than a physically abusive father ever could. Her words made me crave death more than any other person I have known.

What woman inspires you most? To be honest, I kind of detest women. From what I have experienced they are unkind. They lie. They expect too much. I'm inspired by women who are none of those things. Who volunteer. Who get up every morning while living with mental illness. Who love their children unconditionally and don't tear them down.

What can women learn from men? To have sex without feeling. Sex doesn't need to be about love. Just jump on the penis and get yourself off. Also, to not be so judgmental and rude. Don't think about things so much. Just let it be. Pleasure yourself more and don't be so damn annoying.

What can men learn from women? To think of others, to genuinely, care just that little bit more. Also, to be nicer. I think lots of men {and women too, I know, I know!} say things that are meant to be helpful without thinking about how they say them. Some people are sensitive {me - anxiety, hello!} and sometimes you need to watch your tone.

What advice would you give your 20 year old self? Hey, you idiot! Go see a doctor now. It's not normal to stay in bed for days at a time unable to move. Also, get married whenever you damn well want and elope you fool!

Success is... happiness for yourself and those around you.

Failure is... inability to learn and change when needed.

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be nice. unless you can be cake and then always be cake.