11/25/2015

the anxious me//so this is dying...

I have had vicious anxiety attacks that have spanned multiple days. I have suffered through intense flashbacks at the hands of ptsd. I have had mild panic attacks. These are all unbearable, earth-shattering, and, most of all, terrifying. To live with all three and the depression that follows is hideous. I didn't think it could get worse. Yesterday it did.

I thought I was dying. Yesterday, at work. Things piled up and I couldn't see. The world went black. I couldn't breathe. My entire body felt bruised and even though my chest was slowly rising and falling with life I felt like I was dead or, at least, on my way there. My heart clenched. My left arm ached. Is this a heart attack? Am I dying? 

No such luck, depression taunted.

For hours I muddled on feeling as though I was nothing, as though I was no longer. I answered calls and spoke to people and smashed at the keyboard. I felt like a ghost, as though I was haunting the office. I felt like nothing. My vision blurred. During anxiety attacks I see spots and it feels as though my eyes are rolling in my head. During panic attacks my eyes feel empty, hollow, like nothing. 

It's black and there's nothing.

I didn't shake. I barely moved.

I shuffled to the bathroom and tried to call for help. Nobody answered.

I was alone in this.

It went away. It came back. Away. Back.

After the attack disappeared the depression seeped in. The hollowness. The nothingness. 

I repeat the mantra: "this will pass. you are okay" -- it doesn't help. I know this will pass. I know I can't wallow. I have a job to do. I should be able to move on but I can't. The panic attack passes. I am dead inside. This one was too big even for chocolate and The Lumberjack Song to heal. The workplace is not equipped to deal with mental illness. If I was having a heart attack I could leave. Have an ambulance take me away. But I'm having a panic attack and the feeling of death is all in my head. No ambulance is coming to save me.

No Comments Yet, Leave Yours!

be nice. unless you can be cake and then always be cake.