the anxious me//so this is dying...

I have had vicious anxiety attacks that have spanned multiple days. I have suffered through intense flashbacks at the hands of ptsd. I have had mild panic attacks. These are all unbearable, earth-shattering, and, most of all, terrifying. To live with all three and the depression that follows is hideous. I didn't think it could get worse. Yesterday it did.

I thought I was dying. Yesterday, at work. Things piled up and I couldn't see. The world went black. I couldn't breathe. My entire body felt bruised and even though my chest was slowly rising and falling with life I felt like I was dead or, at least, on my way there. My heart clenched. My left arm ached. Is this a heart attack? Am I dying? 

No such luck, depression taunted.

For hours I muddled on feeling as though I was nothing, as though I was no longer. I answered calls and spoke to people and smashed at the keyboard. I felt like a ghost, as though I was haunting the office. I felt like nothing. My vision blurred. During anxiety attacks I see spots and it feels as though my eyes are rolling in my head. During panic attacks my eyes feel empty, hollow, like nothing. 

It's black and there's nothing.

I didn't shake. I barely moved.

I shuffled to the bathroom and tried to call for help. Nobody answered.

I was alone in this.

It went away. It came back. Away. Back.

After the attack disappeared the depression seeped in. The hollowness. The nothingness. 

I repeat the mantra: "this will pass. you are okay" -- it doesn't help. I know this will pass. I know I can't wallow. I have a job to do. I should be able to move on but I can't. The panic attack passes. I am dead inside. This one was too big even for chocolate and The Lumberjack Song to heal. The workplace is not equipped to deal with mental illness. If I was having a heart attack I could leave. Have an ambulance take me away. But I'm having a panic attack and the feeling of death is all in my head. No ambulance is coming to save me.

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