11/30/2015

gift guide//furry friends

Hello! I love dogs. Dogs are awesome. Christmas is awesome. Dogs + Christmas = extra awesome. Gifts for dogs in 3, 2, 1...

eleven. pet teepee

*yip, christmas, hooray!

11/27/2015

friday five//the asos w.n.w.r.p

I'm not sure whether I'm happy the weekend is almost upon us. Sure there's no work or school and we get to relax but, also, this week went so darn quickly and boring things that were supposed to get done during the week kept getting put off and now it's almost Saturday and the next thing you know you're spending your weekend cleaning the carpets and not doing anything you'd planned. Yes, I know I'm not supposed to complain about stuff like this because some people don't have carpets you know! {or something like that} but, gosh, I'm never going to be one of those people who only write really lovely things and don't mention that their carpet is stained with play doh and other crap.

Anywho, this week, an asos want. need. wear. read. play. for you all to enjoy. If asos isn't a one stop shop for all that is awesome then I don't know what is --

want. this you are awesome pillow -- because I am & so are you
need. a cat ear makeup bag -- why not? who doesn't need a makeup bag?
play. the game of perfect partners -- test yourself & your partner {just don't squabble}

Have a wonderful weekend peeps. I'm off to not clean my carpet.

11/26/2015

j style//previously in the adventures of stupid...

Remember when I purchased some spangly steggy sunglasses and the world heaved a collective sigh of dumb? Yeah that... Well, I've since outdone myself with some recent asos purchases --

 skinnydip ice cream across body bag -- it's gorgeous & whimsically wonderful but, honestly, did I need an ice cream bag?

silver mouse flats -- these feel very christmas-y to me so I had to order them. Had to. But, also, I have animal flats up the wazoo.

I hate and love myself in the same measure...

11/25/2015

the anxious me//so this is dying...

I have had vicious anxiety attacks that have spanned multiple days. I have suffered through intense flashbacks at the hands of ptsd. I have had mild panic attacks. These are all unbearable, earth-shattering, and, most of all, terrifying. To live with all three and the depression that follows is hideous. I didn't think it could get worse. Yesterday it did.

I thought I was dying. Yesterday, at work. Things piled up and I couldn't see. The world went black. I couldn't breathe. My entire body felt bruised and even though my chest was slowly rising and falling with life I felt like I was dead or, at least, on my way there. My heart clenched. My left arm ached. Is this a heart attack? Am I dying? 

No such luck, depression taunted.

For hours I muddled on feeling as though I was nothing, as though I was no longer. I answered calls and spoke to people and smashed at the keyboard. I felt like a ghost, as though I was haunting the office. I felt like nothing. My vision blurred. During anxiety attacks I see spots and it feels as though my eyes are rolling in my head. During panic attacks my eyes feel empty, hollow, like nothing. 

It's black and there's nothing.

I didn't shake. I barely moved.

I shuffled to the bathroom and tried to call for help. Nobody answered.

I was alone in this.

It went away. It came back. Away. Back.

After the attack disappeared the depression seeped in. The hollowness. The nothingness. 

I repeat the mantra: "this will pass. you are okay" -- it doesn't help. I know this will pass. I know I can't wallow. I have a job to do. I should be able to move on but I can't. The panic attack passes. I am dead inside. This one was too big even for chocolate and The Lumberjack Song to heal. The workplace is not equipped to deal with mental illness. If I was having a heart attack I could leave. Have an ambulance take me away. But I'm having a panic attack and the feeling of death is all in my head. No ambulance is coming to save me.

11/24/2015

home style//six prints my walls need

I love a good print, man. My home is full of all those ridiculous prints like one I purchased one a whim that says always laugh when you can and I like it but also - duh! Here's six more prints my walls need --
one. hand-drawn pet portrait -- for my maxy
three. yeah
four. little miss -- for b.

11/23/2015

watch//jessica jones

I am very partial to the superhero universe. Love it.

Jessica Jones just got added to Netflix and I am obsessed.

Husband heard the name Krysten Ritter and jumped at the chance to watch with.

It's dark. Scary. Wonderful.

Binge watch it now please.

11/20/2015

friday five//want.need.read.wear.play.

Presenting... from now until Christmas... the want, need, read, wear, play five. In other words, a bloody gift guide, okay? Husband and I are buying gifts for each other with these five things in mind. Here's the first five to start us off --


Anyway, can we please discuss people talking about how early others put up their Christmas trees in a disparaging way? Is this what you're spending your life doing? Do I really have to hear your inane conversations in Target? In Woolworths? In the chemist? Can we please just all deal with the facts of our lives and shut the eff up? Also, weekend yes? Good one. Have.

11/19/2015

we need to discuss my bag

 I have a problem. Here is my market tote. My mum bag. My carry all. Whatever. I take it with me most places. It's like a Mary Poppins bag. Medium in size but fits so much. I also usually take it with me to work and it is the day after such an excursion. I looked at my bag and thought wtf? and now, obviously, it is necessary that we discuss it. Let's dump it out...

Mostly rubbish. For a really organised person this is a shambles. I kind of hate and love myself. My bag is like my head. A big effin mess.

 The stuff I actually "need". Tea, nuts and mints for work or on the go. Missoni pencil case for lip products, Cookie Monster pouch for band-aids and mints, etc {none of which were actually inside on this occasion}, band-aids, pain killers, medicine organiser {ooh fancy}. There's keys with a Mimco key-ring, Mimco coin pouch and non-Mimco poof, steggy sunglasses, Moringa fragrance and a mini Daisy one, eos lip-balm, Louis Vuitton card case/key holder/wallet {holds every card I have with room for cash and other nonsense}, vintage mirror, happy plugs and pen. Oh! There's also some baby wipes in a fancy packet. Go me. 

Rubbish and B's stuff. Nurofen and dropper {only in there from a dash to the chemist}, Ancient Animals cards for B, more rubbish and a Shopkins and necklace for B. also. One of the wrappers is a Camel Ball lolly because when you pop into a random store you have to buy your Husband Camel Balls {disgusting, btw}.

So that's what's in my bag. Always. I rarely clean my bags out. Even when I'm done with them. Yes, I'm always losing things and I'm always finding things months after they've been presumed lost. I don't know what to do with myself. Send help.

Tell me -- what does your bag hold?

11/18/2015

j style//four summer

Despite the incessant heavy downpour here in Sydney summer really is just around the corner. Soon enough I'm actually going have a reason to traipse around in pyjama tops and underwear all day -- I'll actually be sweating balls instead of just being purely lazy. I'm not the biggest fan of warmer weather. I get sweaty, lose my appetite and suffer from heat stroke. I also grumble more than usual about wearing a bra and putting on clothes feels like more effort than giving birth. Despite all that I do love Summer dressing when it involves temperatures below 35 and cute dresses. Here are 4 essentials --


wear with strappy sandals and a hold-all straw bag for summer perfection

11/17/2015

being mum//missing baby b.

I love B. don't get me wrong. She's awesome and she's about to graduate pre-school {sob} and she makes life the best it ever was. But I miss that baby stage with her. I remember every day was wonderful even what it wasn't. Husband would come home around five or six at night and I hadn't showered or eaten at all. B. and I had just stayed snuggled up together. Sometimes she'd go in her rocker when I needed to pee or make her a bottle but other than that she'd stay asleep on me for the whole day. It was magical.

I know, I know, I'm soppy but, gosh, I loved being her everything. And then the kid decided to grow up and needed space to "move" and "crawl" and "live". Can you even?

Of course, I'm not quite being serious. I knew this would happen and I love her for being independent and adventurous and clever but I'm also so darn sad that our time together has finished so quickly.

Gone are the five days a week, eight hours plus of just us. No girls days. No shopping. Sure, I get weekends and holidays but it's not enough. I miss her. I need more. We've still got our whole lives together and I, of course, can't wait for, and appreciate, that but... the first four went way too fast.

I loved it then.

I love it even more now.

Looking back, it was the best time of my life. Just the two of us.

I gave birth to my best friend and soul mate and every minute, awake or asleep, spent with her is never long enough.

I love you B.

11/16/2015

the simple things in life

Husband and I started when I was seventeen. 2 years later we moved in together into a crappy studio apartment that eventually had a water leak in the hallway. The strata ripped up the carpet and never replaced it so our hallway was stained concrete. We could barely afford the meager rent. We were always behind on some bill or another and we were so stupidly happy.

Gifts were never extravagant and if we had $50 to spare we felt like millionaires. Over the years we've always been, somewhat, frugal even as we've had more to spend. Either we were saving for a wedding or for a baby or for a house {the latter of which would never eventuate after Minnie passed}. So we gifted each other "handmade" items like this image above. Every year for Valentines Husband presented me with a mosaic image for my computer wallpaper. I wrote him a sweet piece. I felt on top of the world.

Now, we spend hundreds of dollars on gifts and it never seems like enough. I miss the simple things in life. Of course, I adore Louis Vuitton but, gosh, wouldn't it be nice if people savoured homemade gifts over endless amounts of stuff we don't need?

11/12/2015

j style//sometimes i love myself so much that i wish i could hump my leg

don't lie, you want to hump my leg too...
*
I love them so much that I, of course, had to take a Frodo Douchebaggins picture --


No, they are not prescription lenses. Yes, they make everything green. And, yes they are everything. Also, has my nose always been this big?

For a pair of whimsical glasses they're a tad pricey -- $76 -- but so worth it. The packaging is cute and they make me ridiculous amounts of happy. I'm not sure I can handle the amounts of glee they give me. Commence leg humping...

next up?

these obviously... bubblegum & rainbow 

11/11/2015

confession//i sabotaged my perfect nails

Picture it. Sydney. 2015. I had beautiful almond shaped nails. 10 hours later I'd clipped them off. Too long. For 8 weeks I kept my nails groomed and had regular appointments and then I got bored and anxious waiting in a bank so I peeled them off and now my nails are a stupid stumpy mess. I can't have nice things. 

The idea of having a part of me that was consistently well groomed freaked me out. I'm frequently in pyjamas/underwear and I pick at my pimples and for one week I "forgot" to wash and brush my hair. I can't do nice. I can't be well groomed. I can be in the middle somewhere. If by the middle we really mean girls who spend too much money on clothes only to wipe Twisties dust on them. If that's the middle then, yes, I'm there. If not, well where am I? In the gutter?

I can't help it. I like to bite my nails. What is one to do when faced with the looming devastation that is this world? How am I supposed to properly deal with my anxiety if I can't tear at my nails until they're down to the skin and bleeding? I mean... tell me another way why don't you.

I can't be helped. I am inherently hopeless. I am very much a now person. I need things done now and done right or not at all. The same now, obviously, goes for my nails. They are currently short and stumpy and shot to shit but I feel like I fit in. I'm not perpetually polished. My hands don't feel out of place in my holey Miffy shirt anymore. I'm right where I need to be... unpolished and all.

11/10/2015

the business of being me

I found this post over at The Small Town Girl and decided to give it a go {because I'm a big fat stealer}. Loved hers and, obviously, love mine because I love myself sick --

MY DAY --
Wake-up time? Whenever I damn well feel like it. If I'm working or have somewhere to be I prefer to get out of the house as early as possible so around 7-7.30am.

First thing you do in the morning? Toilet. Check my phone. Or... if B. and/or Husband are awake we have snuggles.

Working day? at work, work, {part-time} I either start at 9am or in the afternoon and can work from anywhere between 4-8 hours a day 3 days a week. For writing, either here, freelance or creative pieces I start after everyone has left the house and usually don't finish until everyone gets back. Then when B. is asleep and the rest of the cleaning is done I get back to it until bed.

One activity you do everyday without fail? Snuggles in bed with either the whole family together or individual snuggle breaks. Multiple times a day.

"A good day is..." when I haven't had a big depressive/anxious episode and when there has been lots of B. Husband & doggy time. Also, chocolate.

"A good meeting is..." non-existent or, if it must happen {which it shouldn't}, it needs to have baked goods.

Last thing you do at night? Brush my teeth, check on B., make sure the car and all the windows and doors are locked {check again}, check the time, say goodnight to Husband and stress for another hour before before I actually fall properly asleep.


MY ESSENTIALS --
Most surprising thing in your handbag? A broken part of a Frozen hair tie and/or a whole bunch of rubbish and used receipts. As a v. organised person I have a v. messy bag.

Most used emoji? The closed eye smiley face or anything heart related.

What three things are vital to your day? Caffeine. Husband. B.

Most overused phrases? "that devastates my self esteem!", "no, it's horrible and it's got spiders in it!", "blah blah potato" and "something random involving English".

Guilty pleasures? I'm that annoying, smug, person who doesn't feel guilty about anything pleasurable.

How do you stay in shape? By "in shape" I shall presume this means "squishy" and I stay squishy by eating a lot of chocolate and not much else. I don't actually eat a lot. I snack. I'm active-ish but I hate exercise unless it's one v. strenuous activity that can mean "winky face" and is delicious and then -- a couple of times a week {if lucky. kids, ugh!} and v. rough.

How do you cure creative block? By inhaling anything creative -- music, book, blogs, TV, movies. Sometimes I clean. Just having something on in the background helps. When I'm really blocked, getting away from the computer, even if it's for an entire day and just relaxing is the best thing.

MY LIFE --
What was your dream job as a kid? Writer. Teacher. Porn star {seriously, always wanted to get paid to have sex}. But, really, I just wanted to be happy.

Who is your greatest mentor? Nobody, really. I didn't grow up with anyone really inspiring, just all round crappy people really. I learnt to look at myself and who I really wanted to be. So, I guess, myself at my best. Life is also a pretty great mentor in itself.

What one meeting changed your life? I'm going to take this as meeting someone and in that case I have a few. My Husband who allowed the safety I'd always craved and gave me a space to say "hi my name is Jaye. I love you but I really want to die"/admit I had anxiety and was all kinds of fucked up. Minnie who taught me selfless and unconditional love and Bailey who is just the best.

Proudest moment? Ugh, too hard. I want to say pushing a child out of my vagina with no pain killers but that ain't it. I think I'm pretty proud of myself for not killing myself when I craved it as a kid. I've always wanted to. I had the letters written and the plan and I just kept thinking but what if? Also, I'm pretty darn proud of myself for taking the leap and getting married and having a kid. Those are the hardest things I've ever done.

Hardest piece of criticism you've received? Every time my "dad" called me crazy when I told him I wanted to die. And, to be honest, anything negative my "mum" ever said to me. She had a way with words that made me feel worse than a physically abusive father ever could. Her words made me crave death more than any other person I have known.

What woman inspires you most? To be honest, I kind of detest women. From what I have experienced they are unkind. They lie. They expect too much. I'm inspired by women who are none of those things. Who volunteer. Who get up every morning while living with mental illness. Who love their children unconditionally and don't tear them down.

MY THINKING --
What can women learn from men? To have sex without feeling. Sex doesn't need to be about love. Just jump on the penis and get yourself off. Also, to not be so judgmental and rude. Don't think about things so much. Just let it be. Pleasure yourself more and don't be so damn annoying.

What can men learn from women? To think of others, to genuinely, care just that little bit more. Also, to be nicer. I think lots of men {and women too, I know, I know!} say things that are meant to be helpful without thinking about how they say them. Some people are sensitive {me - anxiety, hello!} and sometimes you need to watch your tone.

What advice would you give your 20 year old self? Hey, you idiot! Go see a doctor now. It's not normal to stay in bed for days at a time unable to move. Also, get married whenever you damn well want and elope you fool!

Success is... happiness for yourself and those around you.

Failure is... inability to learn and change when needed.

11/09/2015

i meditate now//that's a thing

Life/Anxiety/Depression/PTSD update -- I meditate now. It's a thing. I do it. It works. 

Most of the time I feel like I'm being pulled by strings and when I meditate {sometimes it takes 2 or more goes} the strings are released and I feel loose and at peace. I downloaded this app Stop, Breathe & Think and it's wonderful. But, man, don't you wish there was an app that cured it all? 

This app, though, amazing. Works wonders & it's available on iOS, Android and Web {take it with you everywhere} & keep calm.

11/07/2015

my partner in crime

In case you hadn't noticed B. and I are kind of a package deal.

This is how we shop.

I've always loved food shopping and B. loves it too. I never understood the whole shopping with kids is stressful thing. Shopping with my kid is the most awesome thing ever. We both get excited about the same thing. We both squeal and say "oh my god I need this!" and we both encourage each other to buy what makes us happy. Most of the time Husband struggles to keep up and just lets us do our own thing.

I've fully embraced letting B. wear whatever she fancies even if it means party dresses to bed. Because who am I to judge? I wear a Miffy shirt with holes all over it.

B. and I have the same sleeping philosophy. As in, take up the whole damn bed and hog the blankets. I mean, what fun is sleeping if you're not the only one having a good one?

Also, we can't be taken anywhere. We get bored easily and we're both very impatient. If we want it we want in now and, yes, five minutes is too long to wait. Also, we both find ourselves immensely interesting and have lots of fun just doing things alone because other people just get in the way. Ugh, humans...

B. of course, is also very much her own person and I do hope that she's not like me in every way {mentally speaking}. But most of the time we're two peas in a pod. Partners in crime who have more fun together than with other people. Maybe she's 4 going on 28 or, perhaps, and mostly likely, I am 28 going on 4. I have no idea if this is the right way to parent, this random style, but I hope it is because life is so much more fun with B. around and, as the saying goes, if this is wrong I don't want to be right. 

11/06/2015

friday five//random bits & bobs

As I begin preparing this post it's raining. Normally I adore the rain because it feels romantic and calls for blankets, snuggles and indulgence. This week, however, the bleakness of the weather has summed up life -- grey. It hasn't been all bad but, mostly, this week I've felt aimless and my eyes have stung from crying. Wonderful, right?

The highlight of this week {aside from my family, they are always a consistent one} was, obviously, the Minions movie which was, finally, released on DVD and came home with us the very same day. Bailey didn't appreciate it but life isn't the same for gangsters. I found it whimsically charming and wonderfully captivating. Let's hope this weekend and the upcoming week follow that lead --

nude perfection {fit is a tad snug but I think these will break in nicely}
*also, dying to share more on another wonderful asos purchase but it needs -- requires, even -- it's own post {more next week}

{rest of bedding is also new and on sale at adairs, euro cases were on sale at spotlight and bum bum came from a dino-dog hybrid}

watching B. sleep makes me endlessly happy

the most perfect picture from the illustrated Harry Potter
sad, heart-breaking even, and heart-warming
love

rainy day at home {just me and the dogs} with tea, toblerone and roswell

& now, with that, the weekend begins...

11/05/2015

sephora australia online

shop online here -- sephora australia

I'm quite surprised, to be honest. Usually, Australia feels like 20 years behind the times and, yeah sure, we finally got a Sephora store and now, one-hundred years after the fact, we have them online too.

But, seriously, all jokes aside, I'm so darn excited and I just can't hide it. When I saw the news I clambered out of snuggles with my kid to take a look. B. may be devastated but I'm happy so that's all that matters, right? 

Now, lets all dance of Tarte!

11/04/2015

anxiety//seeing you -- seeing me

The other week at work I witnessed a staff member having an anxiety attack. I heard that it was happening well into the attack and as soon as someone was able to convey exactly what was happening as diplomatically as possible the fog came into view. And when I saw it for myself I couldn't breathe. At work I am expected to deal with situations like these swiftly and effectively and had I not been in the same area as it I think I could have. But seeing it first hand was one of the most frightening experiences of my life. In that person I saw me.

I don't want to use anyone else's pain. I don't want to use them for my writing and I hope I can convey that properly here... For my whole life I have always felt like I was crazy. I have been there for every anxiety attack and could only imagine what all the crying and falling to the floor and head hitting looked like. I looked certifiable. I was insane. I am insane. But seeing someone go through their own "moment" made me realise something -- they are just like me and they are not crazy, nowhere near it, and neither am I.  

I fumbled hard that day at work. I couldn't breathe. I could barely see. My eyes watered and blurred and I fell apart. My work, of course, was not happy with my inability to handle the situation. That I wasn't able to jump up and get it done. I get it. I wish I could have. I wish it hadn't taken me that long to realise what was happening and, then, when I did I wish my body's first reaction wasn't to fall apart.

But I did fall apart. I cried. My body trembled for the rest of the day and well into the night. I tried my hardest to be there for that person, to not ask them too many questions and to just let them be because that's what I need in that situation. But everyone struggles differently and I had no idea what to do. I have no idea what to do in my own damn situation. I don't think anybody does.

I think when you're around someone with mental illness you don't need to walk on eggshells. You don't need to know exactly what to do because guess what? I don't know what to do! Sometimes I forget to breathe. Just be sympathetic and yourself and listen to them. Remember that everyone suffers differently. Someone may want hugs. Others may want space. I, for one, like to be alone with my emptiness and have all nearby sharp objects taken away...

I hate that someone else breaking down in front of me was what it took for me to realise that I am not crazy but, sometimes, it's what it takes. I am normal for who I am and what I have. Not everyone will understand, your work place may reprimand you for not being able to handle anxiety without yours getting in the way but... I don't know. It's just life isn't it? The world isn't able to bow down to mental illness and sometimes it sucks and other times it helps and as long as you have someone in your life who understands and loves every bit of you the randoms and mean people and yelling bosses don't matter.

beauty//bareminerals complexion rescue gel

This stuff! I don't even know where to begin. It's hydrating and it covers and it transforms your skin into airbrushed but real perfection. What did I do without it? Looked hideous probably...

^yes, I am aware I have seven chins. all the better to wobble with...

The Bareminerals Complexion Rescue Gel {I'm vanilla} blends a range of ingredients that really love your face to give skin a quenching gel cream that's weightless and blends to perfection. Marine botanicals inject hydration and rejuvenate thirsty skin whilst mineral electrolytes {what?} help to engerise. 

What all this really means it that you get a naturally radiant {but not glittery/shimmery} colour on your face with an SPF 30 for sun protection. The gel is also hypoallergenic as well as oil, silicone, paraben and fragrance free. 

It lasts all damn day, is stupidly easy to apply{fingers or this brush} and is the only thing you'll ever need {sometimes I use a powder for some extra coverage but only when red/spotty}. Seriously. Honestly. Truthfully. You know those times when your makeup looks so good that you wish you were a dog so you could hump your leg? This is me every day with this product. It's that good.

Buy it from Mecca for $43 here and get on the humping your own leg craze

11/03/2015

watch//youtuber love

I've spoken about my youtuber obsession before {right here actually} and today I'm gonna talk about it some more -- with different channels, of course. Since starting work I don't watch as much as I used to but browsing through videos at night/when stressed/bored/craving it is still one of my favourite things to do. Here are some current loves --

queen of sheba -- the only Aussie youtuber I've found that I can tolerate {ugh, I hate an Aussie accent}. Queen of Sheba has a lovely voice. She's also gorgeous, smart, hard working, funny and adorable. Love her. Watch every single video immediately.

nettie'sworld4u -- do I need to obsessively watch another LV obsessed girl? Nope. Am I going to anyway? Yep. Is it going to spur trips to Louis Vuitton? Double yep. Love Nettie for her style -- designer and casual. Classic and fun. She's super sweet and her voice is wonderfully soothing.

freddy my love -- like an Aussie accent I find English ones very grating. I'm very picky {and judgy, it seems!} but Freddy {and, yes, that's her name} has a lovely voice just like QOS {above}. She's young {I can say that now} but her age isn't off putting for us old folk. She's just lovely.

 last week tonight with john oliver -- he's geeky and smart and funny. John Oliver is always on point and he provides an insight into the world that is severely lacking. His opinions on Australia & Tony Abbott are hilarious and, quite frankly, he makes me happy in the neither regions.

*

Any Youtubers you love? Let me know below...

11/02/2015

there are few things i need in life more than this

I don't know why Pottery Barn Kids continues to do this to me. It's horribly torturous to not be able to buy everything I want there immediately. Life is just so terribly hard isn't it?

Playhouse Loft Bed from PB Kids -- if this leaves stores before I can get it for B. {damn you massive bouncy castle/slide/pool thing} I will be too distraught to continue on in this life. Argentina I implore you to cry for me.