the frustration with anxiety & depression

The thing with anxiety and depression is that you're always constantly told {by yourself and others} to not give up except your head is telling you to give up because you are worthless, and nothing and the world is better off without you. And while you know it's not true your head repeats this mantra over and over until you think: this has been going on for years and it's not going away so it has to be true. And through the tears, that awful gasping, can't breathe, kind, your Husband consoles you and tells you it's not true and you still want to die because how is this worth it?

And that's the thing. I get it now. No matter how awesome your life is, no matter how much you have, your anxiety and depression will tell you none of it is good enough because you are not good enough. You are not worthy. You don't deserve to be happy. You deserve death. And a terrible one at that.

So that's where I am right now. Recovering from a recent episode and the haunting feeling of not being able to breathe is still with me, days later. It hurts. I'm sick of the pain. It hurts all the time. And I hate it. I have a wonderful life and a wonderful family and it's still not enough. I can work on my anxiety and depression all the time but at a certain point the pain gets to be too much. Right now it's just too much.

It doesn't feel good to talk to people about my childhood and have my anxiety and depression be linked to back then. Since I was a child I have had this illness and just the idea of this brings tears to my eyes and leaves a pit in the bottom of my stomach. I've had enough. I want to blink and it be gone. Snap my fingers and no longer be this person.

But I can't and I don't know how to deal with that.


it's all just a bit too much...

...and I need a bit of a break {hopefully absence will make your hearts grow fonder}


beauty//purchased, loved, blogged, still using? -- part one

For a while now I thought it would be interesting to look back on all of my beauty posts and see what products I'm still using. If I loved it enough to write about one would assume I'd still be using it but since I'm a fickle person, like to buy lots of products and, in the same breath, am trying to be a minimalist. But let's cut the chase shall we and take a peek into my fickle beauty mind --

July 2012

*Beauty Blender Review -- these blenders are still my all time favourite beauty tools. I currently have 2 black ones and adore them
*Manicare Blending Sponge Review -- this blender was okay but not good enough to survive a massive make up purge {would not repurchase}
*Garnier BB Cream -- a wonderful product but I soon discovered thicker BB creams with more coverage and moved on {though I would repurchase}

August 2012

*Palmer's Purifying Mask -- this was my favourite mask. Along the way Palmer's changed the name but it still works and feels exactly the same. Love it {repurchase as soon as it runs out every time}
*Baby Products As Beauty Products -- stopped using as soon as B. grew out of them. Currently use adult versions of the oil and wipes {no need to repurchase}
*3 Makeup Items You Need For The Eyes -- still using the 2 palettes from Stila and Urban Decay. I used up the Too Faced Lashgasm Mascara but did not repurchase for convenience/boredom factor {would repurchase all}
*Strawberry Picking -- I love The Body Shop strawberry range and currently have the body butter in the scent but none of the products mentioned. I like to have fun with body products so I tend to finish them and purchase something else {would repurchase}
*Grocery Store Finds -- no longer using any aside from the Palmer's mask mentioned above {might or might not repurchase - nothing outstanding in the lot}
*Shopping My Stash -- only currently still using the Naked Palette. Would pretty much repurchase the lot but don't fell an overwhelming urge too {the Rimmel concealer is a must repurchase, will do so soon}

September 2012

*Macleans Extreme Clean Toothpaste -- loved this but I stopped buying it when Husband and I shared a bathroom because he hated it. Now we have separate bathrooms so I would repurchase but currently using an Oral B one that I love
*Coles Goodies -- hated the dark spot corrector {so blah}, loved and still using the eye cream {would not repurchase the corrector, the eye cream is my favourite for night time}
*Foundation Must Haves -- don't currently have any of these, love them all still {would repurchase all aside from Face & Body because of separation factor 

October 2012
*Products I've Re-Purchased & Still Use -- using none of these {would repurchase all}
*Garnier Deodorant -- loved it but moved on {might repurchase}

November 2012
*My Favourite Concealer -- loved this but it was discontinued {couldn't repurchase even if I wanted to}

December 2012
*November Favourites -- still using 6 of the 12 products {would repurchase the other 6}
*My Favourite Christmas Polish -- the polish got too old and needed to be thrown out {would repurchase, beautiful colour}

Part 2 coming soon!


a fave read//one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish

Hey look at me all on a fave read sharing roll! Remember the other week when I posted This Is A Ball? Well this Dr. Seuss book is in the same silly vein and we all love it.

 Ha! This one cracks me up. I kind of feel like a kid in a candy store {or really, me in a candy store} reading/listening to this because it's hilarious and silly and fills me with joy. And, look, there's just a fish getting down with his bad self. And it says "go ask your dad" so, often, when we read it Bailey will ask her dad why the fish is being bad and it's really very sweet.

 And this fish has a yellow hat! And he doesn't look very happy but there's a fish wearing a hat!

One Fish is filled with delicious Dr. Seuss fun and even though it's a tongue twister and stupidly hard to read without getting jumbled it's good. So, so good!

For some reason this page reminds me of my Husband and I so it's my favourite.

But the thing I love most when reading this book is it's one that brings all three of us together and once you hear it being read you can't help but scamper to the room it's in to hear it too. So we usually all snuggle up and B. and I listen while Husband reads {because he's the Dr. Seuss reader in the house} and B. giggles her little head off and Husband exclaims in all the right places and I breathe it all in and bookmark the memory and the ridiculous pages in my mind for days when I'm not feeling too great and, well, it's wonderful. So, thanks for that Dr. Seuss.

And, enough rambling from me {mostly because it's so darn cold and I'd quite like to get toasty under a blanket for a bit but also because that's all I had to say, really}. If you don't own a copy or haven't even read One Fish {gasp how you dare!} you can purchase it almost anywhere but buy it from Amazon here.

And if you haven't seen my little ditty on another Seuss classic Oh The Places You'll Go you've obviously been missing out on great things.

AND {last and I promise} if you have any children's book reads that you love, share them below!


weekly spotlight//official samsung galaxy tab s 10.5 simple cover & olixar metal tablet prop stand review

Well, hello there, another tech post you say? Aren't you the least tech-y person to walk the earth?

Good question... good question. The answer to that is -- no! I am now, obviously, the most tech-y person to walk this earth. I even dance a little at random intervals just because. I'm that awesome. I now feel like thanks to MobileZap, their wonderful products and the reviewing process I am the nerd that you call because your computer/TV/whatever stops working but as soon as you call them it starts working again. BAM! I'm just like my Husband now - that breed of nerd which is actually neek - but with better eyebrows. Yes sir. 

Can you stop rambling now and just get on with the reviews? That Samsung cover looks so pretty and I want to know more!

Okay, fine!

P.S --it is pretty isn't it?

When it came to colour choice for the Simple Cover I picked the electric blue -- mostly because I'm still adoring it on my phone case {it's gorgeous} but also I kind-of-really wanted/needed to match the two. To me, the colour is greeny-blue and has added dimension with shimmer throughout that isn't too tacky or over-bearing. The simple cover is easy to click into place, easy to use, acts seamlessly with the tablet and doesn't get in the way/isn't too cumbersome. In other words -- it does exactly what a cover is supposed to do -- covers.

A simple tablet stand, yes, but it packs a punch. This multi-use stand can fit any tablet, with or without its case {the Samsung case works perfectly}, and can have the tablet stand in either a landscape or portrait position. It's the perfect multi-tasking stand that works great in the kitchen or bedside a laptop while you work. The stand quickly became an essential feature of our home and is mostly used to watch Netflix/Hulu/YouTube while washing the dishes or cooking, next to a computer while working for an extra screen or some TV/movie inspiration or alone on another surface for viewing.

The stand holds the device securely so I'm never nervous that the tablet is going to fall off. The legs are sturdy and the little kick-stand-like feet are easy to flick in and out. And remember how I was so excited about that sock that came with the little wireless speaker Augustus? Well, the stand comes with it's own velvety pouch for travel or storage when not in use and it's equally adorable. 

Want to find out more? Visit MobileZap for these and many more wonderful products.

*Disclaimer: this is not a sponsored post. I was gifted the cover and stand, however, I was not paid for my review and was under no obligation to give positive feedback. Like always, all these opinions are my own. I genuinely love MobileZap and their products.


friday five//the beauty bay edit

Greetings and hello! The other day I realised just how much I'd been neglecting Beauty Bay and, so, today I'm going to rectify that atrocity by showing you all 5 of my favourite products from their online store as of right this second. All gorgeous. All necessary to live a full and complete life. Maybe. Here's the 5 --

ONE. Anna Sui Rose Cheek Colour in true rose -- Anna Sui always does good packaging and designs like this so I think the blush is worth it for that alone but, also, how pretty would that colour be on the cheeks?
TWO. Laura Geller The Wearable Baked Eyeshadow Palette -- I've heard so much about Laura Geller's baked blushes and then, when I happened upon this, I fell head over heels in lust with it. Just look at those shades - perfection.
THREE. Jurlique Rose Moisture Plus Moisturising Cream Mask -- I love rose products for the face & body but I've never tried a mask. If the scent on this isn't too heavy I think it would be a divine mask to use either just because or when your skin needs some added moisture and/or plumpness. 
FOUR. S.W.BASICS Body Scrub -- just the packaging looks divine and then you read that this scrub is like dessert for your skin and it's like zomg! need you now! Yum.
FIVE. Beauty Blender Micro Mini Duo -- these have been on my wishlist for quite some time but I keep forgetting they exist. I think they'd be wonderful for tricky areas like concealing under they eye and highlighting around the face plus they're so cute and tiny!


this plus that//under eyes & damp blenders

I'm sure most people have seen/heard/read the under-eye dark circles tip from Napoleon Perdis by now. I tried it and liked it but augmented it for myself. Personally, I prefer my way/s better. Here they are --

 My favourite method is to mix Benefit's High Beam with my night eye cream from Nivea. I use this method when my under eye area is looking a little blah and needs some more moisture. It works wonderfully and I rarely need to apply a concealer or highlighter after.
 If my under eye area doesn't need any more moisture I prefer to use this method with Benefit's High Beam and the Maybelline Super Stay Concealer. Well-rested you are.
*though sometimes I swap out the concealer with this one from Napoleon 

& here's another little tip for your pretty little face --
 I adore the Beauty Blender and using it damp is the most glorious thing ever but sometimes a girl is lazy and just can't be bothered. Enter this Australis Make-Up Finishing Spritz. Spray your blender with it until it's damp but not soaking and voila! Base perfection. Also great to use when your face is all done to ensure you're all blended and beautiful. 


beauty//current random must haves

Sometimes it feels as though my beauty routines are stuck in a stagnant place and as dull as it may sound it's not always a bad thing. At current it's pretty bloody wonderful because I've being using some truly great products that have quickly become essentials. Here's 4 --
ONE. Palmer's Cocoa Butter Moisturizing Body Oil -- I've used this product before and for whatever reason when it ran out I didn't repurchase. I found though, that my body craved an oil so I picked this up again and am so glad I did. It's a true multipurpose product that I use for: shaving legs, moisturising after a shower and for back massages. It's not overly scented, asorbs into skin easily and isn't too harsh on my sensitive skin.

TWO. Maybelline SuperStay 24 Hour Concealer -- there's not much to say about this product aside from -- it's the best concealer I have ever used. Truth. Perfection for blemishes and redness.

THREE. Australis Velourlips Matte Cream in BAR-THA-LONA -- lately my makeup routine has consisted of concealer, brows, Hourglass powder and this lip cream. It's super pigmented, bright and long lasting. This colour is my new Velourlips favourite. The colour doesn't run so a liner isn't essential and it lasts all day and then some because it's actually really bloody hard to get off.

FOUR. Dry Idea Anti-Perspirant Baby Powder Deodorant -- I'm not the biggest fan of spray deodorants because they irritate my allergies and asthma but lately I've found the roll-on varieties haven't been working as well as they could. So I picked this Dry Idea up because of the baby powder scent and while it does irritate my allergies and asthma a tad it works amazingly and the scent is divine. It reminds me of that delicious "new baby" smell and I love it. It can be a bit too much/white/crumbly if you spray too much but otherwise it's perfection.

What are some of your beauty favourites?


personally j//mother's day perfection

Mother's Day came and went this past Sunday in Australia and it was glorious. What kind of mother are you? Me? I'm the one that loves all the handmade/mother's day stall gifts that B's school and Bunnings can throw at me. Not much makes me happier than a handmade card, a pasta necklace, a cupcake bath bomb or any of the other things that B. gifted me with last week in the lead up to Mother's Day. Of course, as cliche as it sounds, she is the best gift ever and I'd be happy to spend the entire day having cuddles. There were plenty of hugs but also lots of other stuff and because I'm such a sappy show-off I wanted to share my idea of Mother's Day perfection with you --


^let's eat cake for breakfast! a cinnamon tea cake made by my lovely Husband

& then we wore plastic gloves & planted trees. B. wore the exact same overalls as she did last year and after her tree was planted she proceeded to plant & water sticks...

^after the tree planting B. wanted to visit her tree from last year so we went on a little adventure...

^after adventures, face painting and some shopping we came home and I stuffed my face with mini chocolates and sipped delicious tea in my new favourite mug

 & B. was adorable & sweet and all the above

For all the Mum's out there even if you have furry kids, or your kids are no longer here or you didn't give birth, whatever it is, whoever you are, if you're mother-less by choice or whatever other reason there is, I hope you had a wonderful day. I sure did. And if you didn't that's okay too, remember it's just one day out of many.

I love you little B.


beauty//a ranty letter to mecca and nars

Dear Mecca & NARS,

This is a letter about dreams. Specifically my dreams and the ways you shattered them. Last year I purchased the NARS Sheer Glow Foundation from Mecca and I was so very excited. See, NARS Foundation is expensive and in Australia it's really quite pricey because Australia + makeup prices = $$$$. Anyway, I paid my money and walked out the door all proud and such because, well, Mecca is my mecca. I love it there.

I reserved my Sheer Glow for out of the house occasions because I didn't want to waste its awesomeness on days when I wasn't going to be seen. I loved it. Especially with a damp Beauty Blender. Perfection. And then... my dreams were shattered. One day, around 3 months after purchase I opened my "base" drawer in my bathroom and found quite a terrifying sight. NARS Sheer Glow Foundation and glass everywhere. I might have screamed and wept a bit. It was a disaster from which I have not recovered. I'm not sure I ever will, to be honest. 

I tried to scrape off the non-glassy bits and put it in a container. I salvaged some but the majority of this precious liquid, a.k.a more than half the bottle, was in the bin. I was so mad. Actually, I'm still quite mad because how can you sell something for over $50 and have it shatter for no reason? And I'm being truthful when I say it was for no reason. There was nothing in the drawer with it that would have made it shatter and, look, here in the west of Sydney we don't have earthquakes or anything shakey like that. It just exploded.

And you know what? My heart and my respect for you exploded along with it. 

I don't care if it was a once off -- I shall never purchase NARS Sheer Glow Foundation again.

This is just like the time I ordered a brownie from Max Brenner and found bits of shattered glass in it. I didn't realise until after I had swallowed some that the "hard bits" were in fact glass and not pecans. I lost all respect for the brownie and for Max Brenner that day especially since their "apology" consisted of a $25 gift card. It took me a good 3 years to return to Max Brenner and I never ordered the brownie again. And, still, every time I go there I get the tremor of fear that they're going to feed me glass again.

So, Mecca and NARS, see, you're kind of like Max Brenner. I'll still visit you but your NARS items are off limits to me and every time I pop into one of your stores I will always remember that you were the place that had me pay $60 for a bottle of exploding foundation. 


-- Jaye


friday five//the louis vuitton edit

Look, the truth is, I'm not really a fancy person. I can dress well and do my eyebrows but I'm still a drink spilled-crumb wiper kind of girl and I always will be. The other day while fridge shopping I exclaimed in frustration to Husband that we just weren't fancy people so did we really need a fancy fridge {?} and he remarked that I was holding a Louis Vuitton bag at the time so could I really say I wasn't fancy? And yes, yes, I can. I am not fancy. My home is an eclectic mix of random and so am I. Louis Vuitton or no I still most prefer to wear big, baggy, pyjamas most days.

Still, I do love a good fancy item. And if I could I would probably buy designer pieces on a more regular basis as opposed to once a year {as the last few years have shown}. I mentioned here that I had just recently got my bag itch back and now, finally, I have my designer itch back and Louis Vuitton {as opposed to Chanel -- I think the experience here was much more we are better than you} is the name of the game. Here are my 5 top picks --

PETIT ESSENTIAL V SET OF 3 RINGS -- I've never been much of a ring person and I still pretty much despise wearing my wedding rings {I feel like they're telling me how to live and I'm just not down with that} but I'm slowly turning around to the idea of rings on a daily basis {but not an all day basis} due to my Pandora daisy ring {which reminds me of Kathleen Kelly, Joe Fox and bouquets of sharpened pencils} and I feel like this set of 3 will tip me into the "I love rings" category of life {if there is such a thing}.

LEOPARD BANDEAU -- I'm not much of an animal print girl and out of all the animal prints I am definitely not the leopard print kind but I adore this bandeau which can be worn as a headband or a belt and which I think would look adorable as one of those Mary Tyler Moore neck-tie scarf things. I also believe it would make a fabulous 5 year wedding anniversary present and, look, don't even ask because Husband and I are not those traditional kind of people where you buy cotton or paper or steel or poop for the gift because that's just blegh to me. Also, the pink writing is perfection.

COLOUR BLOCK HAT --  apparently this hat "softly envelopes the head" which makes me wonder what else a hat is supposed to do? I guess, a hat could "scratchily suffocate the head"? I don't know. Regardless, it has a pom pom so I need it.

HOXTON GM -- I think we've all discovered by now that I am a Damier kind of girl {as opposed to the Monogram which is just too much for me or the Damier Azur which is gorgeous but too white for someone as clumsy/dirty/lazy as I} and this is so pretty. It's perfect for daily use when the Neverfull would be too much and, apparently, it fits an iPad Mini which is great if you're into the Apple thing which I am not.

CARD HOLDER - FUCHSIA -- the Chanel Camellia wallet I own has plenty of card slots, yet I find I'm always a card slot short and, alas, my adorable Fossil polka-dot card wallet is not enough so, obviously, I need a card holder and, of course, spending two-hundred and eighty dollars on one is reasonable. All jokes aside, I do adore a good card holder and the colour on this is divine. I think it would be perfect for my three most used cards and I could easily transfer between the Chanel, the Fossil and my Louis Vuitton pouch.  

& that is it for me. Have a wonderful weekend and Mother's Day if celebrating the hallmark day is your kind of thing. It is mine and as has become tradition in this family we're going to plant a tree together {the council sets this up, we don't just randomly plant trees in various locations -- that would be weird} and this year, like last, I'm going to name my tree after my dearest Maxy who I miss most during days like this.

On a less somber note -- cheerio!


bailey style//rock your baby winter edit

My sister first introduced me to Rock Your Baby over a year ago and I've been obsessed with the kids brand ever since. It's wonderfully refreshing to find a kids clothing brand that is gorgeous, embraces the fun that comes with being a kid without being too kiddy and is not too expensive. Their Winter range has been in stores for a while now but it  finally launched online and I'm excited. So excited, in fact, that I jumped online and compiled a sweet little edit of all my top picks --

Gorgeous. Just gorgeous...


j style//10 bags you need now

In case you hadn't noticed I am a bit of bag fiend but since purchasing my Louis Vuitton Neverfull last year I hit the bag wall. I'd had enough. And, to be honest, if you got to see the delicious red lining of the Neverfull everyday {yes, sometimes I stare at it for no reason} I think you would too. There's just something about that bag that made me feel as though I was done and that I no longer needed more. I was no longer a bag fiend, that is, until I was because the bag bug is back. Here are my top 10 picks --

one. ONE by Parcel & Journey -- love the hot pink tassel
two. Mimco Afrigraphico Large Pouch -- ethically made & gorgeous
three. Uashmama Metallic Pochette Silver -- I adore the crinkly creased look of these bags
four. Witchery Katia Tote  -- rose gold crinkly perfection
five. Kate Spade Daley Crossbody Bag -- the perfect mini Kate Spade
six. Target Stella Leather Cross Body Bag -- the lining in this leaves a lot to be desired but the rest looks divine
seven. Fossil Preston Flap -- the sapphire colour is divine
eight. Dogeared Be The Person Pouch -- the most magnificent motto
nine. Kate Spade Ambrosia Place Wicker Clutch -- the modern Sophia Petrillo {kinda}. I've always wanted a Sophia Petrillo bag and this is adorable
ten. Mimco Petite Turnlock Tote -- this bag was the one that reignited my bag love and it's so lovely. The only issue I have with Mimco bags is the lining. It's just so damn cheap and Mimco bags aren't cheap so why is the lining so ugly? Why?


j style//pin loving

Sometimes I think I want to dress in vintage-June Cleaver style all day, forever. Other times I think, meh, pyjamas are just too comfy and sometimes a girl needs to wear a Stormtrooper hoodie with Nikes that are made for teens. But with this June Cleaver state of mind I have been doing some Instagram-stalking of modernjunecleaver and deerdonna {bonus -- she goes for the Bombers!} and have decided that regardless of what I'm wearing I need some adorable pins {or brooches if you'd rather} to adorn myself with. Here's a lust list --

*If you have any pin/brooch shops you adore -- let me know
& if you want your pins/brooches featured here email jayegaff@jayebyday.com


friday five//of the random variety

Happy Friday everyone. Isn't the prospect of a weekend spent with loved ones just delicious? My nephew's 4th birthday party is this weekend {he turned 4 on Tuesday!} and I'm quite excited because there are few things I love more in life than 1. my nephew -- he's awesome 2. a kids party -- the food! and 3. taking B. to parties because that kid be awesome. Anyway, as Sam-Wise {my bunny rabbit who can't actually talk} would say, pip-pip tally-ho....

Here's 5 things this Friday of the random variety --

 I tinted my own brows with this product here. I look like a fool here, I know but the 1000 hour dye actually works and I'm very pleased. I do adore going to get my brows done from a professional but I've found the more I visit the less my brows grow. I'm currently really truly growing them out and am only touching up the ridiculously out-of-left field ones so tinting them at home is the best result.

 Ha! These pedicure press on nails are ridiculous. I tried them. Husband helped me with them. We tried a few and, ugh, they hurt. Like, really hurt. Perhaps more than a drug-free childbirth {okay, maybe not}. But seriously... don't buy these. I picked mine up from Priceline for around $8 I believe. I can't find them online but these are it. So... be warned.

This tweet pretty much sums up my life. Now, that burning is real pain. I remember it un-fondly. Word to the wise, don't rub your eye after you've applied nail polish.

Remember when I wrote this little essay on wearing and caring? Well, suffice it to say that I no longer worry about B. and her ridiculous outfits because...behold. She wore this on Anzac Day and when it was time to get dressed she asked what she should wear and I casually said "maybe some red for the Bombers" {Anzac Day AFL match -- Bombers v. Collingwood is a Gaff family tradition} and this is what she came up with. This dress is vintage and cost about 50 cents, I believe. Love it. The slippers are her "Randall" from Monster Inc./University shoes and the hat is one she picked herself from H&M last year. She was officially dressed as Randall. This was her costume. My child...

In our family our dogs have their own voices and, look, yes, we talk for the dogs and it's pretty ridiculous. Freddie is basically Bubba Blue and he sleeps in washing baskets with the iron like it's comfy. He also licks weird surfaces like blankets and couches for no reason whatsoever. I read that it's an OCD things for dogs who have been traumatised which makes me terribly sad. How could you even hurt someone like Fred?