personally j//the anxious me

The last time I wrote about anxiety was 3 months ago {see here} and in that time I've come a long way. I have struggled with the idea of writing about my anxiety here for a few reasons: one: it's very personal and two: I feel like anxiety is one of those things where people don't quite get it and presume you're insane or just one of those overly sensitive people. People tell you to "just get over it" not quite getting that you so desperately want to but your brain won't let you. So, I kind of avoid talking about it as much as possible but then there are those times {like today} where I just need to, you know?, and there have been anxiety posts from others that have helped me so what's stopping my anxiety posts helping someone else?

I say that I've come a long way in 3 months but really I've only noticed the change in the past few weeks and here's how. I've been taking my medication every day {I did accidentally on purpose skip a few days --thinking I didn't need them anymore -- and I was tired and irritable and disheartened, so bad idea} and it's become something I don't even think about it. I just do it and my mind doesn't taunt me when I do. 

I've been waking up at 5.00 AM and going for walks with the dogs while most people are still asleep and I feel at peace. I have been dealing with this back/leg/pelvic pain with the mindset that it's normal and to just get on with it and it's actually worked. I've been cleaning and staying organised and relaxing and laughing and just being.

For years now {even before Bailey} I thought if I went for a walk or did something out of the house alone I was sure to be mugged/raped/murdered. I pictured all manner of terrible things happening if I did things so I did none of the things which made it worse. I let some frightening things that happened to me in my teenage years stop me from living. Whenever I left my house {before I lived with Husband} this guy used to follow me in his car and then when I got to where I was going {usually a train station} he'd get out of his car and follow me again. I was always scared. When I moved in with Husband it stopped and then one day, by chance, he found me and it began again. Eventually I caught buses everywhere and rarely left the house alone.

All this happened years ago, before I was married, and I was still terrified of it all up until a few weeks ago. I thought for certain if I left the house it would start again. Some days the thoughts wouldn't be overpowering but most days they were. And then one day I woke up while it was still dark out and decided to take the dogs for a walk and while we were walking I thought: if I'm going to die, I'm going to die.

I used to think this was a morbid way of looking at things but I've since come to the conclusion that I can avoid dangerous situations but walking the dogs or taking Bailey to the park is not one of them. Suddenly I feel free. 

Yep, I'm still scared of someone breaking into my house at night. I still check the doors and windows and Husband still has to check the car is locked right before I go to sleep but it doesn't feel as urgent as it did before. I can check all these things to be safe but that's all I can do. If something bad is going to happen it will -- that thought, the unknown, used to keep me awake at night and now it's where I find my peace.

After skipping my medication for a few days it became clear that I still need it and for the first time the knowledge of needing those pills was okay with me. 

I still have anxiety -- that much is clear. I still get head spins and feel panicky from time to time but the thoughts are less consuming and don't swallow me whole as much as they used to. I can shake them off and wash them away and this is magical. I adore this feeling.

I was diagnosed over a year ago after what felt like a lifetime of suffering {early teens on}. I am on medication. These are all things I am no longer embarrassed by. I can admit that there were days when I wanted to die. There were days when I wanted to run away and leave Husband and Bailey to live a life that would be happy and not marred by craziness. I wanted it all to end and contemplated suicide just like I did from ages 12-17. I longed to die because if life was a never-ending battle, if life was my brain telling me to die because I was worthless then what was the point?
And even though I never went past the thoughts because of all the good it was pretty darn dark and being scared to admit these things made it worse.

So, hello, my name is Jaye. I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder. I eat chocolate for breakfast. I'm a morning person and an exerciser and life is pretty darn fabulous.  

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