11/20/2012

I Love My Stretch Marks

Did you know I had a baby?

While I was pregnant my stomach grew. I tried to prevent getting stretch marks with all the methods I could. I still got them and sometimes that happens. Sometimes you just get them no matter what you do and sometimes you don't. While I was pregnant I was embarrassed. My stretch marks were disgusting. Even after giving birth, those first few weeks when my stomach still resembled the 6 month pregnant me, I resented them. I didn't want to look at myself and that's a shame.

I gave birth. I had a baby and she's the greatest little baby in the whole world. But I resented what she left behind. I resented the inflated stomach and the marks {though I never resented the slipped disc and sciatic pains - weird?}. I never resented her but I didn't like what being a Mum had done to my body.

One night I was in bed trying to fall asleep. I missed Bailey terribly {as I do every night} and I wished that I could see her. I've always dreaded the nights, when she started sleeping through, because I knew I wouldn't see her again until morning. I resorted to trying to sneak into her room to stare at her before I went to bed but that only bothered her. On the first night I stopped I laid in bed and without even knowing it I was rubbing my belly just like I did when she was there. I missed her not only because she was asleep but because she would never be with me 24/7 again. I missed that feeling.

It was in that moment that I loved the little pooch my stomach had. I loved my stretch marks. They were a part of me just as Bailey had been. Bailey was only a few months old at the time. I had lost all my baby weight but my body was different. My hips were wider and my stomach not flat. I realised that I loved who I was and what I looked like after giving birth. I was glad that my stomach looked like life had been there. After that I stopped buying into looking perfect after having a baby. I stopped wanting my flat stomach back. I stopped wishing my stretch marks away. I hated the idea that I would ever be so ashamed of what I looked like while I was pregnant that I would want it to go away. I hated the idea that I would work my butt off to be who I was before having a baby. Because I'm not and I never will be.

I love the reminders.

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